“N…No”. This adverb is extremely difficult to pronounce for some people who almost equate denial with a form of dangerous, guilt-inducing or even presumptuous rebellion. However, always saying “yes” can go against one’s deep nature and contradict one’s interiority. Why is it good to know how to answer negatively without hesitation and in a reasoned way? How to formulate your “no” without feeling guilty? Xavier Cornette de Saint Cyr, psychotherapist, coach and trainer in relational intelligence, gives us the answers.
Top Santé: Saying no, why is it so complicated?
Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr: “It’s weird because it’s one of the simplest words there is, but one of the most difficult to pronounce. In general, this difficulty in expressing it hides a fear. Fear of being unpleasant, of not to be appreciated, to offend the other… Many fears are mixed together and explain why it can be complicated to say no.
Some assume that to assert oneselfsaying no is expressing aggression. This is false, we are not obliged to meet the needs of the other if it goes against our own needs.
What is the risk of not daring to say no?
Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr: Whether in the professional or relational environment, saying yes to everything we are asked to run the risk of being considered “the too nice person” to whom we can ask everything. We can also become dependent on the needs of the other.
This inability to say no generates lots of misunderstandings and relational difficulties. A person who never refuses runs the risk of going against his own interests and needs.
This situation will generate negative emotions and create resentment towards the other. In other words, we blame the other because he asks us something that goes against our interest and we blame ourselves because we did not dare refuse.
Another risk not to be ruled out is that of being manipulated. A person who is too nice will be easy prey for manipulators who can easily get what they want.
Is the inability to say no linked to a lack of assertiveness?
Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr: Yes, knowing how to say no wisely is a way of asserting what our interests and needs are and of respecting them. With correct assertiveness, one is able to say no to a request when one cannot satisfy it. In contrast, a lack of self-confidence can give hesitant waltzes and uncertain answers with “maybe”.
Be careful not to fall into the opposite excess, that is to say to oppose a systematic refusal to any request. Systematic denial without argument is of no interest and closes all dialogue. This posture can lead to aggression in the other in the long run.
How to learn to say no in a reasoned way?
Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr: Above all, it is necessary to fully understand the request before giving its answer, positive or negative. For this it is a question of taking into account the needs of the interlocutor and his own. An example: our employer asks us to complete a file that he could not complete but we have a very limited time to do so. Before answering yes or no, we take care to understand what we are being asked, what it implies, what it supposes as an investment. We do not hesitate to ask for clarifications and explanations if the request is not clear. If in the end it costs us a lot in terms of investment, energy, work or emotions, answering in the affirmative becomes problematic.
How to react in the event that one cannot immediately answer yes or no?
Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr: To analyze demand issues, procrastinating is often a good strategy, especially in the workplace. For example, if we don’t have time to think about our employer’s request because we are absorbed by a task, procrastinating allows us not to express our disagreement while taking the time to integrate the request. We can answer for example “listen I can’t answer you right away, I’ll look at this and I’ll give you my answer, this afternoon or tomorrow”. This avoids answering in haste and under the influence of emotion (stress or fear for example) and allows you to digest the answer, to know what you want, to think about what this request implies and if it respects Our needs. We can thus give a measured response with appeased emotions. This is a good technique for those who aren’t sure they understand what is being asked and those who are afraid to say no.
How do you overcome the fear of saying no?
Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr: We tend to make assumptions at top speed, but most of the time our predictions are based on unfounded fears. “If I say no, this is going to happen to me”, “I’m afraid she’ll make my head”, “I’m afraid of being fired, etc.”. Here too, procrastinating will help to think in a reasoned way and to reduce emotions. We breathe, we put things into perspective and we ask ourselves the question: “what are the risks of answering no?”
In some people, this fear of saying no is too buried to the point of paralyzing free will. In this case, turning to a therapist can be very life-saving.
How to formulate this “no”?
Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr: The “no” must be clear, precise and reasoned. The explanations must be very simple and not convoluted to avoid that the interlocutor does not insist. We do not hesitate to explain the reason why the request puts us in difficulty. For example: “I don’t have time to finish this file because I’m on another urgent file”.
In some cases, if we are asked why we refuse, we can tell a little inconsequential lie that reconciles everyone without offending anyone. For example “I can’t come to Aunt Sophie’s lunch because I have a business trip”.
-Another technique sometimes proposed is that of the “scratched disc”. We repeat the “no” firmly and categorically and unequivocally. “My answer is no, as I told you it’s no”. This trick is not necessarily easy to put into practice. Use if you feel comfortable and calmly and clearly state your no. Otherwise it can lead to an irritation of the type: “Listen, I’ve said no to you 50 times…”
How to deal with possible complaints?
Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr: When saying no, certain “classic” formulas often come up with our interlocutor such as “we can’t count on you”, or “after all that I have done for you, you dare to say no to me”. In this case, it is necessary to reframe these feelings of guilt by returning to the subject of the request. Example: “the question is not what I did for you, but now I cannot answer your specific request because…”
We can also express what we feel by using tools inspired by non-violent communication(CNV). We will rather talk about oneself, his feelings, without blaming the other by using the “you” because he can feel attacked and “counter-attack”. In this case the exchange quickly turns into an argument.
Example: rather say “your request puts me in difficulty because” and not “your request is annoying”.
And if the interlocutor insists despite our refusal?
Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr: -If the interlocutor insists, he does not respect our needs. In this case we appeal to the emotions in front of this insistence: “I am sorry that you insist but my answer is no” or “I see that you are disappointed but I cannot do that”.
-Another strategy is to end the trade more abruptly. Example at work: “My answer is no” and we look back at our computer.
-A last trick, more “gentle” and effective in the professional environment, is to change the subject of conversation. Example: “As I told you, my answer is no. By the way, where are we on this file?”
Thanks to Xavier Cornette de Saint Cyr, coach and trainer in relational intelligence, psychotherapist, author of “Empathy, a path to benevolence”(jouvence editions) and “The secrets of the law of attraction” (leduc S. Editions).
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