A difficulty, a challenge, a dream … And negative messages immediately set up in front of us barriers compromising our projects. Formerly at school, today at work or in our leisure time, even in emotional life, they act like real viruses of thought. And it is not easy to realize this, for, of course, the inner arguments which underline all the reasons for failure seem unstoppable and rational. However, the less one believes in oneself, the less success is there, so the more these messages seem to be founded. What if all of these were pure beliefs that we should work on to move forward? This is the bet made by a method of psychology born in the United States in the 1970s, neurolinguistic programming (NLP). The goal of therapists who continue to claim it today: to identify these limiting beliefs and understand their often distant origin in early childhood. To identify their negative effects, sometimes with certain secondary benefits, and to try to reverse these automatisms into more positive reflexes. As if we were trying to reprogram ourselves. We try?
I am not able to achieve this goal
What we should say to each other
“If the others can do it, why can’t I?”
“To each his own resources to succeed”
“I might fail, I can also succeed”
• How do you experience it?
The project appears like a Himalayan to climb and the list of difficulties can seem endless. Worse, we look for arguments that reinforce the conviction of failure, we invent them if necessary. This can give two different results: avoid undertaking, do nothing; or on the contrary remain continuously in a launch phase. This is what happens when our personal and family culture has tended to value effort more than achievement.
• Why this belief?
“If you continue, you will fall”, “You are not ready, you have not worked enough”,
“This exam is too complicated for you” … So many sentences often heard which hampered any attempt. Sometimes parents at home or teachers at school would also set us impossible goals, which made us feel uncomfortable.
often put in a situation of failure.
I don’t deserve to succeed
What we should say to each other
“By succeeding, I do not betray those I love”
“I will succeed on my own”
How do we experience it?
We tend to think that everything is too good for us, that we are not entitled to it. Or that one is not deserving enough, that the efforts and the talent are not enough.
• Why this belief?
A background of guilt is still present. Possibly for being caught in the unconscious emotional blackmail of parents
or educators encouraging us to do such and such a thing “to please”. But we never did enough for them, it was “wrong”. Unless it is some sort of conflict of loyalty: parents or elders in the past, a spouse today, have once experienced failure and it does not seem permissible , unconsciously, to do better than them.
I’m not creative enough
What we should say to each other
“I have my style and my form of creativity”
“I do not forbid myself to think differently”
• How do you experience it?
We think we do not know how to invent, create things, have ideas and several steps ahead of others.
• Why this belief?
As a child, we were not allowed to do our own experiments enough, we were too ahead of our needs. Unless we have been transmitted, in family or at school, a stereotypical idea of creativity, which must be artistic or turned towards material achievements. This prevents seeing that there are a thousand and one other forms, but also methods to develop it in all areas.
They are all better than me
What we should say to each other
“I have qualities, I can do differently and as well”
“If one person can do it, everyone can do it”
• How do you experience it?
The others seem adorned with all the virtues (they are faster, more efficient, more competent, smarter …). Our complexes keep us away from them, because we are afraid of revealing our supposed inadequacies, and therefore to move forward with confidence.
• Why this belief?
We could not live the comparison with others in family, at school, in leisure. Clumsy parents were able, believing to stimulate us, to claim that others were doing better to encourage us and this shattered the dynamic of success
instead of developing it positively.
If I fail, I will disappoint my loved ones
What we should say to each other
“My relatives can be disappointed for me not by me”
“There is no progress without failure”
• How do you experience it?
The very idea of not corresponding to the image that others have of us and to fall paralyzes. Taken to the extreme, this logic can lead to fleeing risk, not to try your luck so as not to expose yourself to failure.
• Why this belief?
We felt that our relatives “over-invested” success in school or in the practice of a hobby. Today,
we do the same with professional and personal life. We heard: “Don’t disappoint your teachers. “
And self-confidence has weakened, because it comes through the eyes of others.
I crash every time
What we should say to each other
“Sometimes I miss, but sometimes everything goes well”
“If a strategy does not work, it must be done differently”
• How do you experience it?
Whatever we do, we have the impression of failing, we do not achieve our objectives, we do not advance in our projects, nothing materializes …
• Why this belief?
We sometimes tend to set goals that are difficult to achieve, even unrealistic, because the requirement is part of our education. Or we remember our failures, never the small and big successes that we have also known. Logically, French culture does not favor the celebration of success. And in a way, success itself is scary, because it is always a factor of change.
I could have done better
What we should say to each other
“The best is sometimes the enemy of the good, no need to be too picky”
“Doing only what is necessary gives me time for myself”
• How do you experience it?
What we do is never good enough in our eyes. Suddenly, it is difficult to value progress, success …
• Why this belief?
This reaction is often the counterpart of perfectionism which leads to permanent dissatisfaction and worthlessness. Instead of pushing to do even better, it can also end up restraining the energy.
At my age, impossible to change
What we should say to each other
“It’s never too late to change … even a little”
• How do you experience it?
We have internalized and accepted failure, we give up trying something else.
• Why this belief?
We were able to integrate very early on the idea that the cause of a disappointment or a difficulty is independent of the will. As here time, aging … It is a belief which does not take into account the cerebral plasticity making it possible to acquire, even very late in life, new skills. It is also necessary to give up the comfort of habits, which is opposed to change, even in the event of dissatisfaction.
3 tips to fight thought viruses
We all have beliefs. For Marion Sarazin *, trainer, they limit us when they prevent us from achieving the goals we have set for ourselves. We can learn to spot them by relying on the three-step protocol that she has developed. We can therefore test it to identify its own. Before seeking, possibly, the help of a therapist who offers the reassuring framework necessary for deeper changes.
• Unmask limiting ideas
Identify the expressions that generalize: everyone is like this or that, nobody does that, never, always …
Identify ready-made sentences : “I can’t”, “I don’t know”, “I mustn’t” …
Watch for negative associations: “I want to go on a diet, but if I deprive myself of food, I will weaken and get sick” or “if I am stuck in this position, I will lose my freedom”.
• Ask yourself the right questions
What are the priority objectives? For example :losing weight, or rather have fun by eating what you like? Do not take risks or have a more rewarding job? And above all, for what good reasons, we can’t get there: the need for security, for example … And whatever explanation we give ourselves, we do not judge ourselves, the idea being to do choices that really suit us.
• How to get around the obstacle
Once the priorities have been highlighted, you can mobilize your personal qualities and reconcile your objectives to get there. Certain imperatives must sometimes take a back seat, even if it is not always easy … For example : “I have fun and I enjoy life other than by eating” or “I keep spaces of freedom independent of my professional life”.
* Author of “S’initier à la PNL”, ed. IS F.
Read also:
Having a bad self-image would have consequences on health
Self-esteem: 4 ways to love yourself
Stop self-sabotage to be happier!
