What hides behind jealousy?

Ill-judged but widespread sentiment, jealousy is double. Close to envy, jealousy is a “hostile feeling that one feels when seeing another enjoy an advantage that one does not have or that one would like to have alone”, explains the online version of Robert. In love, again according to the dictionary, jealousy is a “painful feeling that arises from the demands of an uneasy love, the desire for exclusive possession of the loved one, the fear of his infidelity”.

The dramatic spring of many fictions – films, books, series – jealousy is a feeling that we almost all know and of which we are rarely proud. It is undoubtedly one of the feelings that we hide the most. Except in love, where jealousy is sometimes seen as proof of attachment to another.

Top Santé: What is jealousy and where does it come from?

Johanne Rozenblum: Jealousy is a feeling of envy towards someone who has what one does not have or what one seeks to have. It is often accompanied by affect or unpleasant behavior such as bitterness, hostility or rejection, for example.

Why are we or do we become jealous?

It’s a feeling that often comes from early childhood. Jealousy can appear for example at the birth of a brother or a sister then it takes root in our thought patterns. This can for example occur with the arrival of a baby. The big brother or big sister then says to himself: “the baby who arrives comes as if to steal a precious place from me, take my parents’ love from me, he deprives me of what I have, he has privileges that I don’t have not or no longer”.

In addition to a triggering event in childhood, are predisposing temperaments or failing parents also in the equation?

The history of jealousy is multifactorial, it depends on the personality, our education, the life events crossed and the analysis that we make of them.

What does jealousy say about the jealous person?

We are jealous when we are afraid, when we lack self-confidence or when we feel threatened… If I think that my value is conditioned by my status, my skills or what I have, everything that will come back in question it will be perceived as an attack, a danger to my very identity.

Threatened with what?

The jealous person feels threatened not to be considered and to disappear in the eyes of others. When you lack self-esteem, you sometimes exist by “possessing” and when there is dispossession or the interest of the other is elsewhere, that’s when the feeling of jealousy explodes. . Because you have to keep in mind that jealousy is first and foremost a signal of personal suffering, of low self-esteem.

Who are we jealous of?

Of the one we are not and that we will never be, of the one we would have liked to be, of the one we believe threatens us. There is always this notion of the other who has what I don’t have, who is what I am not.

Is the person of jealous nature jealous of everyone or is he jealous only of the same type of person?

Jealousy does not necessarily express itself in all spheres of life. It’s a feeling that we find more in the private sphere, especially love or family life.

Jealousy is often the engine of fictions. And it often ends badly. When should you worry about your jealousy?

If jealousy is everywhere, all the time, that we can no longer realize it and criticize our thoughts, if this jealousy begins to generate dark thoughts, a desire for revenge or reprehensible behavior then it is primordial to wonder about the pathological aspect of his jealousy. In extreme cases, paranoia can lead to acting out and threaten the psychic integrity of the jealous person. It is therefore necessary to be attentive to certain associated behaviors such as stalking, or moral harassment for example

In love, jealousy is often perceived as normal. It is even sometimes presented as sine qua none to true love. “Love without jealousy is very weak love”, this anonymous quote sums up the idea that we sometimes have of jealousy in a relationship. What do you think ? Can jealousy have good sides in a romantic relationship?

It’s always about measurement! Jealousy can be healthy if it is taken as a game of seduction which allows with a touch of humor to emphasize that we are attached to the other and that this other is precious to us. If the will is to isolate or to possess, it has nothing positive for the couple and will eventually create conflict.

So in your opinion, jealousy is not a proof of love?

No not at all ! Jealousy is absolutely not a testimony of love. It is a mistake to think so! Jealousy generates suffering for those who experience it and is the symbol of a deep malaise for those who feel it in excess.

When should you question your partner’s jealousy?

When jealousy actually turns into mistrust and leads to dysfunctional behaviors like verbal, physical, psychological threats, stalking, harassment, then you have to worry. When the word no longer has any weight and only false beliefs take over to the point of becoming, in the eyes of the jealous person, reality, then one must question the pathological nature of the feeling. If the person suffers from depression, anxiety, a personality disorder, paranoia… jealousy can be seen as a symptom. It may therefore be necessary to question the person’s overall psychic state of health to understand whether jealousy is a transient emotional state or the sign of a deeper pathology.

We have all, or almost, at least once in our life felt jealousy, in love and towards another person. How to manage this negative but frequent feeling?

As I said earlier, it is always a question of measurement. Life can sometimes put us in situations of imbalance, situations that do not work in our favor. You have to know how to recognize it and manage with this feeling of “injustice”, which these situations trigger, and which can generate jealousy. Ideally, this feeling of jealousy should remain a transitory emotional state.

Is the total absence of jealousy normal? For what ?

Yes, I think jealousy is neither an obligation nor a driving force. A good balance between self-esteem, self-esteem and self-confidence can certainly help avoid feelings of jealousy.

Can you control your jealousy?

Yes of course ! The key is to become your own expert, working on your disorder and being able to critique its behavior. Understanding what creates jealousy in oneself can inform us about deeper issues that could be interesting to work on.

What advice can we give to a jealous person so that he is armed to fight effectively against his jealousy?

Understanding the origin of this emotion is essential, trying to identify when jealousy and dysfunctional thoughts are triggered and anticipating situations that weaken us. Then, when the emotion invades us, there is still time to work on it, not to adhere to certain thoughts by doing the cognitive work that will allow us to reason with ourselves. Finally, asking for help from a psychologist can be invaluable for evoking your thoughts and feelings without judgment, understanding the history of your jealousy, coming to terms with your past or working on your self-esteem.

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