My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have had sex for about 2 years now. We always did this with the pill and without a condom (we both don’t have an STD), but now he suddenly wants to have sex with a condom.
I tried it once, but it really hurts me no matter how much lube we use. It also feels like an expression of mistrust to me. I think my boyfriend is afraid that I secretly want to get pregnant.
Besides, I’m sure he’s not cheating and that that’s not the reason for his behavior. I think the problem is more with the fear of pregnancy, even though he says no.
What can I do or say that might help him trust me?
Cheyenne
Henriëtte Schoones, sexologist
As far as I estimate your story, this is not a sexual problem in the first place, but a relational problem in which mutual to trust is missing. How does everyone experience the relationship now? Trust is a foundation of a relationship.
As soon as your friend uses a condom, it’s a sign to you that he doesn’t trust you. This has a negative influence on the sexual experience with him. You don’t surrender completely and don’t let him in completely. That may also explain the pain you experience when he uses a condom.
Because you do not completely surrender, you do not get excited enough and you (unconsciously) tense your pelvic floor muscles, which can cause pain.
I advise you to restore trust in each other first. Ask your friend what he needs to regain confidence in you? And tell him what you need to feel good in the relationship with him. In short, work to be done!
Do you also have a question? Then ask one of our experts. Always go to your doctor with urgent questions, the experts are not the right person for that. They also do not diagnose. You can find the other conditions here.
Henriëtte Schoones specializes in sexual and relationship problems. She has her own practice for sexology and relationship Therapy in Tiel and works as a sexologist in the Rivierenland Hospital in collaboration with the gynaecologists. She answers all kinds of questions that arise within a relationship.
