It’s not always easy to raise several children at the same time. But understanding that each of them is unique allows them to be treated fairly. We talk about it with psychiatrist Dr Claire Lewandowski.
- Privileging equality between brothers and sisters is no guarantee of fairness.
- On the contrary, to be fair to them, it is necessary to meet their unique needs, which do not necessarily correspond to the needs of other brothers and sisters in the family.
We often mistakenly think that treating our children fairly means giving them all the same amount of attention, or material good. On the contrary, strict equality increases sibling rivalry.
Why prioritizing equality is on the wrong track?
By making the effort to try to give the same time, the same attention or the same financial expenditure to each child, you encourage the feeling of injustice and therefore of rivalry. To treat your children fairly, it is not necessary to calculate what you give them but rather to act according to the needs of each one.
Every child needs to feel special
To be fair with your children, take the time to get to know their individual characteristics to meet their specific needs. You will help everyone feel unique and lessen rivalry.
To help you, you can for example:
- offer a different activity according to everyone’s desires and needs;
- respect the respective friendships without imposing to include one’s brother or sister;
- adapt the schedules according to the age of each one with privileges as they grow;
- encourage mutual aid;
- avoid taking sides for one or the other;
- leave to each the objects which belong to him without his being obliged to share them;
- propose that everyone can have their space even in a shared room;
- avoid asking the eldest to be the model for his brothers and sisters.
By thus recognizing the individuality of each of your children, you encourage them to empathize and help each other for their future life.
Source: “Brothers and sisters (My little ones why)” by Camille Laurans and Isabelle Maroger.
