She was the victim of “ghosting”. Understand: breaking silent, without notice. This neologism refers to a non-marginal phenomenon that would gain momentum with social networks and SMS exchanges. This Anglicism refers to these men or women who vanish overnight like ghosts, without warning. A silent break that tends to become commonplace. “This becomes a known attitude and therefore an indirect message”, estimates Fabienne Kraemer, psychoanalyst and author of various books on the couple including “21 keys to slow love” (PUF). The specialist helps us to better understand the phenomenon and the “ghosters”.
Top Health: How does ghosting most often manifest itself?
Fabienne Kraemer: “Ghosting is disappearing the next day or breaking up without saying anything. The most frequent case is a man who does not give news after a date, a night or a period of relationship. t is not reserved for men although it is much more often a masculine attitude.
I do not know if this is the prerogative of dating applications strictly speaking or of the current mode of communication in the broad sense, that is to say to social networks, to SMS exchanges. Today, during a breakup, we are faced with the fact that we can continue to spy on exes on social media but also disappear or ignore the other. If you’re ghosted you know what it means, it means it’s over. This also exists in friendship.
What may be the underlying reasons for the ghost?
Fabienne Kraemer: The fear of speaking out, the lack of courage but also and above all a way of not respecting the other and not taking on their attitude. When you think about it, it’s an admission of guilt. The height of cowardice. We no longer discuss it face to face, we no longer take our phone, we are afraid of the relationship with the other. Some of these attitudes may arise from an excess of individualism and a lack of relational courage.
Is this phenomenon really amplified with new modes of communication, social networks?
Fabienne Kraemer: Absolutely, because social networks generate both a lot of exchanges but none face to face. Overall, we have a lot more friends than before but we see them a lot less than before. Direct communicationis becoming increasingly rare. Then the virtuality authorizes not to behave respectfully, we spy on the Internet, we insult each other on Twitter, we leave with an SMS, we flirt on Facebook… In short, we don’t dare! It is a way of not saying and not hearing what the other has to say about it. Social networks obviously facilitate roundabout modes of communication: today, who is saying it in the face?
The victims of ghosting are more often women. How to explain this?
Fabienne Kraemer: I only hear women complain about this kind of problem even though I suspect that it exists on both sides. I think it’s related to the way men and women communicate.
Schematically, we can say that women will coat their words in order to get something. They are therefore more manipulative than men. On the other hand, men are more binary, they tend to either tell it like it is, which makes them seem brutal. Either they think they could hurt and should assume to receive a shower of reproach or suffering and may therefore prefer not to say anything. Ghosting is the art of being silent.
How to move forward in the absence of a response?
Fabienne Kraemer: We should to “mourn” more easily people who are not worthy of our interest among other things because they are not respectful … So all the more reason to quickly turn the page of a ghost.
In reality, this is not the case, because it is extreme violence not to have an explanation, and not to be able to express your pain and pain. I would say “no pity for cowards”: it seems to me that there is no reason to respect the silence of a ghoster, on the pretext that we fear to “disturb” him. Women tend to excuse the men: he has too much work, he is not “very messaging”, he did not have his phone, etc.
While during the seduction, he was present 24 hours a day.
I long for women to confront men with their behavior when they are not respectful. Too often they choose to be silent, not to harm in case he changes his mind … And besides, they are not wrong on this point. Ghosting doesn’t close doors, and men often hate breaking up completely. They like the idea that they might be able to put the cover back if it doesn’t play out elsewhere and they do it regularly.
How to get out of this gear?
Fabienne Kraemer: It is up to the women of close the stories and mean they won’t be there just in case! It seems important to me to use the possibility of blocking people on social networks. To close the door for good. The fact remains that it is a narcissistic wound and that it makes people suffer of course. The best thing in my opinion is not to get attached to people who don’t behave.
For “ghosted” people, can this translate into difficulty in trusting again?
Fabienne Kraemer: Yes, it can be a source of mistrust and blockage. Not everyone behaves badly. I often say “don’t like unlovable people”. Ghost them in your turn, deciding that they are not worth it and that you definitively turn the door: block them! “
Thanks to Fabienne Kraemer, psychoanalyst, author of “21 keys to slow love”, PUF
“Solo, No solo, What future for the couple?” PUF editions www.fabienne-kraemer.com
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