What is self-sabotage?
If you have an annoying habit of “procrastinate”to endure things without flinching, to chain failures in love, perhaps you cultivate the “art” of self-sabotage.
This situation designates this unconscious tendency to place oneself in uncomfortable situations or to make choices against the current of what makes you feel good. Sometimes these toxic functionings have even become so “natural” that they have established themselves as daily rituals.
The problem is that these sabotaging behaviors prevent you from occupying your rightful place in everyday situations, leading to frustration and dissatisfaction. Worse, these weeds that have grown in your life can end up blocking your access to happiness. An aspect that saboteurs often find it difficult to admit, points out life coach Bénédicte Ann, author of a book on the subject*.
According to her, this state of ill-being can paradoxically have a reassuring side: “one may prefer to be kept in this unpleasant but comforting zone rather than taking the risk of experiencing the unknown. Unconsciously, one does not allow oneself to be happy”.
Common examples of self-sabotage
In her book, the coach reviews some classic self-sabotage rituals. Whether these behaviors result in erased attitudes, “submissive” or take the form of excess to attract attention (addiction, obsession, hyperactivity to fill a void, irascibility), they generate a certain suffering. Here are some typical examples:
-in the romantic relationship : you decide nothing and come to forget yourself; you are very jealous or always seek conflict with your partner; you are not happy as a couple but you do not decide to leave your partner (fear of loneliness, desire to preserve the children, material comfort, etc.).
-at workyou are unable to position yourself. You can’t say no when you are asked for a favor (too often) like finishing the work of a colleague who is always sick or agreeing to stay late at work to accommodate your boss.
Or conversely you are not appreciated and invited to meetings because you are considered a “rebellious”, “”agitator”” element that promotes conflicting relationships.
-with family, you are for example “programmed” to a certain place in the siblings and the family. You are the ugly duckling and you are always wrong. A position that makes you suffer.
The list is of course not exhaustive and there are as many self-sabotage rituals as individuals, each with their life course.
Still, these sabotages constitute the tip of the iceberg, underlines Bénédicte Ann. This malaise often has its source in childhood and can be linked to events experienced in childhood or the family context in which the person grew up: “all the situations of frustration in which one does not find one’s place are always related to childhood”, insists the coach. These events have an influence that can affect his adult life. “Many people who have experienced frustrations in childhood create a life problem constructed in relation to their family experience”, continues Bénédicte Ann.
How to get out of this bad habit?
1. Identify sabotage rituals.
Understanding the origin of his adult suffering is the key to getting rid of this self-sabotage.
But this understanding first requires knowing how to identify one’s own sabotage behaviors. However, it often happens that people sabotage themselves without realizing it. How to achieve? “On a sheet of paper, take stock of the situations in your life where you do not consider yourself fulfilled by casting a wide net: love affairs, professional life, family relationships, relationship with your body (relation to food, etc.), material life (is your accommodation suitable for you, etc.)…
2. Position yourself in relation to your dissatisfactions
This assessment will help you take a step back and identify the areas of your life that you would like to improve. Ask yourself the right questions: how to be happier at work and more assertive; how to find a manwithout being emotionally dependent…
3. Decide to change and take action
The hardest part remains: take action! The sabotage situations now identified must now be resolved one by one. There is no miracle recipe here. Confronting one’s blockages and thinking mechanisms followed for years does not happen overnight.
Taking even small steps initiates change. It’s all about acting with kindness and gaining self-confidence. Deciding to change may be an assumed choice, but it can be as exciting as it is frightening. The mountain may seem difficult to climb, which is why some people will need to be accompanied (by a coach, a psychologist, a hypnotherapist, etc.) in this way to take back the reins of their life.
*Thanks to Bénédicte Ann, life coach and author of “Stop sabotaging yourself, you are exceptional”, Editions Eyrolles.
Read also: Self-esteem: 4 methods to love yourself
Psycho: 4 tips to overcome your fears
Six tips to be happier at work
