It’s hard to know what to do when friendships become problematic. Why Doctor conducted the investigation.
They are essential to our well-being, and yet. Friendships are sometimes a source of psychological suffering, to the point of not knowing what to do with them. “It started little by little, without me realizing it,” says Sybille *, 41, a stay-at-home mother. “One of my best friends started complaining about everything, all the time. Not a day went by that I didn’t receive a negative text message, and whatever’s going on in my life. And besides , she wasn’t listening to me anymore. I didn’t talk to her about it, I told myself that she was going to pass. But one day, without my expecting it, I flipped out. I threw her his four truths, and I never saw her again,” she laments.
Friendship more effective in fighting pain than drugs
Remedy against stress, depression or even the diseases of aging: friendship has been the subject of numerous scientific studies, which each time highlight its positive impact on health. Urecent study demonstrates, for example, that the well-being and mental health of mothers improves when they go out twice a week with their best friends. According to research published in the journal Nature, LFriendship would even be more effective in fighting pain than opiate-based drugs, which are prescribed for moderate to severe physical suffering.
Some “toxic friends” profiles are nevertheless quite well listed by psychologists. The egocentric, the negative, the intrusive, the critical, the manipulative, the unreliable, the one who is never wrong… But the reality is, as often, much more complex, if only because friendships do not are not frozen in time: they evolve. “A friend is above all someone with whom we share something”, explains Danièle Brun, psychologist and psychoanalyst, author of The imprint of the family body and Passion in Friendship (Odile Jacob). “It can be life situations, such as school, work, but also values, hobbies, fights… Therefore, a change in the life of one or the other can lead to a friendly breakup. I am talking here, for example, of a move, a birth, a couple, etc.” , continues the professor.
“The impression of having nothing in common with her anymore”
Single at the time, Milla, 34, says she had a very bad experience of her best friend’s pregnancy. “It’s true that I was jealous at the time. I had been struggling with men for years, when I wanted to settle down, start a family, like her. But beyond that , I had the impression that I no longer had anything in common with her. I told her about my bad ass plans, and she answered me diapers and bottles. Finally, I put this friendship on hold, and our complicity returned when I got into a relationship”, says this specialized educator.
In reality, personalities are also more complex than those described by standard profiles. Since childhood, Damien’s best friend has belittled him. His dominant personality suffocates him and prevents him from feeling good about himself. “Let’s say he winks at me often. It’s supposed to be humorous, but it hurts me deeply. As a teenager, this relationship almost put me in depression”, remembers the young man of 32 years, lawyer specializing in family law. “However, I know he will always be there for me, no matter what. He’s a pillar, he’s already proven it. He knows how to listen to me. There I’m going to get married, and he’ll be my witness “, he adds with a smile.
When should we act?
Once analyzed that something is wrong, not easy to know what to do. The habit of frequenting the other, the difficulty of talking about it, the fear of loneliness if things go wrong… First comes the question of timing. When should we act? “When you have the feeling of losing your freedom. And of course, when you suffer”, explains Catherine Audibert, psychologist and psychoanalyst. “You can then try to talk to her about it, not affirming anything but leaving her (him) also the possibility of understanding that something is wrong in your relationship. Don’t imagine changing her. What can change that? is the relationship, not her”, specifies the author of The inability to be alone (Payot).
To pacify the relationship, the idea would also be not to expect too much. “The relationship of friendship will be declined according to what one unconsciously expects from the other in terms of satisfaction, as the mother could satisfy her child, or on the contrary as one would have liked to be satisfied by her and which is still a lack that the friend must fill in. If you do not respond to this unconscious and/or sometimes manifest request, your friend can project onto you affects of hatred, rivalry, disappointment, assumed or more or less well disguised…”, continues Catherine Audibert.
A friendly break is sometimes necessary
But when the negative aspects of the relationship begin to weigh more than the positive, a friendly breakup is sometimes necessary. Not easy to live with, this loss then goes through five phases which are the same as those of mourning: denial, anger, bargaining (ie regret, reconquest), sadness and acceptance.
To find the strength to face this ordeal, knowing that it is actually quite common can help. A study conducted by researchers from the universities of Aalto (Finland) and Oxford (United Kingdom) has thus demonstrated that from the age of 25, our circle of friends gradually decreases, to focus on the relationships that correspond to us the more.
*Names in this article have been changed.
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