She was the victim of “ghosting”. Understand: breaking mute, without notice. This neologism refers to a non-marginal phenomenon that would grow with social networks and SMS exchanges. This Anglicism refers to these men or women who vanish overnight like ghosts, without warning. A silent break that tends to become commonplace. “It becomes a known attitude, therefore an indirect message”, estimates Fabienne Kraemer, psychoanalyst and author of various books on the couple including “21 keys for slow love” (PUF). The specialist helps us to better understand the phenomenon and the “ghosters”.
Top Santé: How does ghosting most often manifest itself?
Fabienne Kramer: “Ghosting is disappearing the next day or breaking up without saying anything. t is not reserved for men even if it is much more often a masculine attitude.
I don’t know if this is the prerogative of dating applications strictly speaking or of the current mode of communication in the broad sense, ie social networks, SMS exchanges. Today, during a breakup, we are confronted with the fact that we can continue to spy on your ex on social media but also disappear or ignore the other. If you’re ghosted you know what that means, it means it’s over. It also exists in friendship.
What could be the underlying reasons for the “ghost”?
Fabienne Kramer: The fear of speaking, the lack of courage but also and above all a way of not respecting the other and not assuming their attitude. When you think about it, it’s an admission of guilt. The pinnacle of cowardice. We no longer discuss it face to face, we no longer take our phone, we are afraid of the relationship with the other. Some of these attitudes may arise from an excess of individualism and a lack of relational courage.
Is this phenomenon really amplified with new modes of communication, social networks?
Fabienne Kramer: Absolutely, because social networks generate both a lot of exchanges but none face to face. Overall, we have a lot more friends than before, but we see them a lot less than before. Direct communicationis becoming increasingly rare. Then virtuality authorizes not to behave respectfully, we spy on the Internet, we insult each other on Twitter, we part with an SMS, we flirt on Facebook…In short, we don’t dare! It’s a way of not saying and not hearing what the other has to say. Social networks obviously facilitate diverted modes of communication: today, who is saying things to the face?
The victims of ghosting are more often women. How to explain this?
Fabienne Kramer: I only hear women complaining about this kind of problem even if I suspect that it exists on both sides. I think it has to do with how men and women communicate.
Schematically, we can say that women will wrap their words in order to obtain something. They are therefore more manipulative than men. In contrast, men are more binary, they tend to either tell it like it is, which makes them seem brutal. Either they think they could hurt and should assume to receive a shower of blame or suffering and may therefore prefer not to say anything. Ghosting is the art of keeping quiet.
How to move forward in the absence of an answer?
Fabienne Kramer: We should to mourn more easily people who are not worthy of our interest, among other things because they are not respectful… So all the more reason to quickly turn the page on a ghoster.
In reality, this is not the case, because it is an extreme violence not to have an explanation, and not to be able to express one’s pain and sorrow. I would say “no pity for cowards”: it seems to me that there is no reason to respect the silence of a ghoster, under the pretext that we are afraid of “disturbing” him. Women tend to excuse the men: he has too much work, he is not “very messages”, he did not have his telephone, etc.
While during the seduction, he was present 24 hours a day.
I look forward to women confronting men about their behaviors when they are not respectful. Too often they choose to be silent, to do no harm in case he changes his mind… And besides, they are not wrong on this point. Ghosting doesn’t close doors, and men often hate breaking up altogether. They like the idea that they could perhaps put the cover back on if it weren’t playing out elsewhere and they do it regularly.
How to get out of this trap?
Fabienne Kramer: It is up to women to close the stories and to mean that they won’t be there just in case! It seems important to me to use the possibility of blocking people on social networks. To close the door permanently. Still, it’s a narcissistic injury and it hurts, of course. The best in my opinion is not to get attached to people who don’t behave well.
For “ghosted” people, can this translate into a difficulty in trusting again?
Fabienne Kramer: Yes, this can be a source of mistrust and blockage. Not everyone behaves badly. I often say “don’t like unfriendly people”. Ghost them in turn, deciding that they are not worth it and that you turn the door definitively: block them!
Thanks to Fabienne Kraemer, psychoanalyst, author of “21 Keys to Slow Love”PUF
“Solo, no solo, what future for the couple?” PUF editions www.fabienne-kraemer.com
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