A difficulty, a challenge, a dream… And negative messages immediately erect barriers in front of us that compromise our projects. Formerly at school, today at work or in our leisure time, even in affective life, they act like veritable thought viruses. And it is not easy to realize this, because, of course, the inner arguments that point to all the reasons to fail seem unstoppable and rational. However, the less one believes in oneself, the less success is at the rendezvous, therefore the more these messages seem founded. What if all this was just pure beliefs on which we should work to move forward? This is the bet made by a method of psychology born in the United States in the 1970s, neurolinguistic programming (NLP). The objective of the therapists who continue to claim it today: to identify these limiting beliefs and understand their often distant origin in early childhood. To identify their negative effects, sometimes with certain secondary benefits, and try to reverse these automatisms into more positive reflexes. As if we were trying to reprogram ourselves. We try?
I am not able to achieve this goal
What we should say
“If the others can do it, why can’t I?”
“To each his own resources to succeed”
“I risk failing, I can also succeed”
• How do we live it?
The project looks like a Himalaya to climb and the list of difficulties can seem endless. Worse, we look for arguments that reinforce the conviction of failure, we invent them if necessary. This can have two different results: avoid undertaking, do nothing; or on the contrary remain continuously in a launch phase. This is what happens when our personal and family culture has tended to value effort more than achievement.
• Why this belief?
“If you continue, you will fall”, “You are not ready, you have not worked hard enough”,
“This exam is too complicated for you”… So many often-heard phrases that hampered any attempt. Sometimes the parents at home or the teachers at school also set us impossible goals, which made us
often put in a situation of failure.
I don’t deserve to succeed
What we should say
“By succeeding, I do not betray those I love”
“I will succeed on my own”
How do we live it?
We tend to think that everything is too good for us, that we are not entitled to it. Or that one is not deserving enough, that effort and talent are not enough.
• Why this belief?
A background of guilt is always present. Perhaps for having been caught up in the unconscious emotional blackmail of the parents
or educators encouraging us to do such and such a thing “to please”. But we never did enough for them, it was “not good”. Unless it’s some kind of conflict of loyalty: parents or elders in the past, a spouse today, have once known failure and it doesn’t seem to be allowed , unconsciously, to do better than them.
I’m not creative enough
What we should say
“I have my style and my form of creativity”
“I do not forbid myself to think differently”
• How do we live it?
We think we don’t know how to invent, create things, have ideas and several steps ahead of others.
• Why this belief?
As a child, we weren’t allowed enough to experience ourselves, we anticipated our needs too much. Unless we have been passed on, in family or at school, a stereotypical idea of creativity, which must be artistic or turned towards material achievements. This prevents us from seeing that there are a thousand and one other forms, but also methods to develop it in all areas.
They are all better than me
What we should say
“I have qualities, I can do otherwise and just as well”
“If one person can do it, everyone can do it”
• How do we live it?
The others seem adorned with all the virtues (they are faster, more efficient, more competent, more intelligent…). Our complexes distance us from them, because we are afraid of revealing our supposed shortcomings, therefore of moving forward with confidence.
• Why this belief?
It was difficult to live the comparison with others in the family, at school, in leisure. Clumsy parents were able, believing they were stimulating us, to claim that others were doing better to encourage us and this broke the dynamic of success.
instead of developing it positively.
If I fail, I will disappoint my loved ones
What we should say
“My loved ones can be disappointed for me not by me”
“There is no progress without failure”
• How do we live it?
The very idea of not corresponding to the image that others have of us and of falling paralyzes. Taken to the extreme, this logic can lead to avoiding risk, not trying your luck so as not to expose yourself to failure.
• Why this belief?
We felt that our loved ones were “overinvesting” in success at school or in the practice of a hobby. Today,
the same is done with professional and personal life. We could hear: “Don’t disappoint your teachers. »
And self-confidence has weakened, because it passes through the gaze of others.
I crash every time
What we should say
“Sometimes I miss, but sometimes everything goes well”
“If a strategy doesn’t work, you have to do it differently”
• How do we live it?
Whatever we do, we feel like we’re failing, we don’t reach our goals, we don’t move forward in our projects, nothing materializes…
• Why this belief?
We sometimes tend to set goals that are difficult to achieve, even unrealistic, because the requirement is part of our education. Or we remember our failures, never the small and big successes that we also experienced. Logically, French culture does not encourage the celebration of success. And in a way, success itself is scary, because it’s always about change.
I could have done better
What we should say
“The best is sometimes the enemy of the good, no need to be too picky”
“Doing only what is necessary gives me time for myself”
• How do we live it?
What we do is never good enough for us. As a result, it is difficult to value progress, success…
• Why this belief?
This reaction is often the counterpart of perfectionism which leads to permanent dissatisfaction and devaluation. Instead of pushing to do even better, it can also end up stifling energy.
At my age, impossible to change
What we should say
“It’s never too late to change… even a little”
• How do we live it?
We have internalized and accepted the failure, we give up trying something else.
• Why this belief?
We were able to integrate the idea very early on that the cause of a disappointment or a difficulty is beyond our control. As here time, ageing… It is a belief which does not take into account the cerebral plasticity making it possible to acquire, even very late in life, new skills. It is still necessary to renounce the comfort of habits, which opposes change, even in the event of dissatisfaction.
3 tips to fight thought viruses
We all have beliefs. For Marion Sarazin*, trainer, they limit us when they prevent us from achieving the objectives we have set ourselves. You can learn to spot them using the three-step protocol she developed. We can therefore test it to identify its own. Before seeking, possibly, the help of a therapist who offers the reassuring framework necessary for deeper changes.
• Unmask limiting ideas
Identify expressions that generalize: everyone is like this or like that, nobody does that, never, always…
Identifying ready-made phrases “I can’t”, “I don’t know”, “I shouldn’t”…
Watch for negative associations: “I want to go on a diet, but if I starve myself I will weaken and get sick” or “If I get stuck in this job, I will lose my freedom”.
• Ask the right questions
What are the priority objectives? For example :losing weight, or rather have fun eating what you like? Do not take risks or have a more rewarding job? And above all, for what good reasons, we can’t get there: the need for security, for example… And whatever explanation we give ourselves, we don’t judge ourselves, the idea being to do choices that really suit us.
• How to get around the obstacle
Once the priorities have been highlighted, you can mobilize your personal qualities and reconcile your objectives to achieve them. Certain imperatives must sometimes take a back seat, even if it is not always easy… For example : “I enjoy myself and I take advantage of life other than by eating” or “I create spaces for freedom independently of my professional life”.
*Author of “Introduction to NLP”, ed. IS F.
Read also:
Having a poor self-image has health consequences
Self-esteem: 4 methods to love yourself
Stop self-sabotage to be happier!
