Interview with a sexologist
Sexologist Vera Steenhart sees sex as a language. “There are two stories, which seem very different. I look for the similarities. That offers a future.”
In her practice heart affairs especially couples who have been in a relationship for a longer period of time. Usually there is no longer any sense in sex, the partners can no longer enjoy it, intercourse is painful or there are problems with orgasm and erection.
Why help?
“People don’t talk to each other because they’re afraid of the answer. If you’re wondering if your partner still finds you sexually attractive, you don’t want to hear that they don’t anymore. Conversations often get stuck at that point.”
“The other responds with ‘don’t be so difficult’, or the conversation escalates because you look up each other’s pain points. Sometimes a couple feels that there is a problem, but they do not know exactly where the problem is. I help people to create clarity .”
Therapy in breadth
“I tackle the problems broadly. For example, if someone can’t enjoy sex very well, I first look further. What are things that make you feel relaxed. If you as a couple relax from a day in the sauna, then go for it let’s do it together first and don’t start that very difficult area of sex right away.”
“In the first session I discuss with both partners the problem they are encountering and what they have already tried to do about it themselves. Because I want to understand both better, I then conduct individual interviews. Then I ask about the past: the family where you what the atmosphere was, what the relationship was with your mother, father, what their relationship was like, what you yourself learned/bring from previous relationships. That is looking at the sexual problem from a broader spectrum.”
Sexologists with vision
“Biology, psychology and the social context are all important to understand the complaint. That is why there is a lot of collaboration between sexologists. There are mandatory courses every year to stay informed.”
“If I hear a woman after a pregnancy about pain during sex, I still have her examined by a colleague with a medical background. If the problem is physiological, you can talk endlessly about psychology, but is it with medication or a medical intervention might be better to remedy.”
Fuck or make love?
“I am rarely very plastic during the first session. I have developed a way of talking so that it is crystal clear what we are talking about, without being blunt. I ask what words they use. It often happens that a couple does not has words for sex. Or they have adopted a kind of profanity, which actually does not suit them. I then give examples of what people also call it. Usually there is a word in between that makes them feel good.”
“I suggest they adopt that word and we use it in therapy. The word fuck doesn’t sound good to everyone. Some prefer to talk about making love. Only for me making love can also be hugging, kissing or caressing Then I ask, “When we talk about sex, are we talking about penetrative sex or not?” It should be clear what it is about.”
“Not only do clear descriptions help the conversation about sex, but also a clear awareness of what is happening. When you make love with attention, the feeling intensifies in both. You can stroke someone without even thinking about it, that is something very different from consciously enjoying the touch. But it is absolutely not the intention that people should look at themselves as a spectator during sex. It is better to evaluate the lovemaking afterwards.”
Sex as language
“Sexuality is usually experienced in pairs. As far as I’m concerned, sex is a language. Just as dreams can have a symbolic meaning, sex can give a picture of what is going on in the relationship. The most important part of my work is that I help translate. There are two stories, which seem very different. I try to find the similarities. People then see more and more cross connections, which in turn offers a future.”
“For example, there was once a woman who brought her husband here stating that he was a sex addict. That man wanted sex every day. It turned out that he liked to feel the connection in their relationship. But she thought he just wanted sex and not her. So she turned away from him when they had sex. This was very unsatisfactory for her husband, because he wanted to have sex with her. That’s why he kept looking for sex. In the therapy it turned out that they actually wanted the same thing, there arose again understanding and they could move on together.”
Who says A…
“It’s usually women who find it unpleasant that there is always a follow-up when they start stroking or kissing. That can even stop them from starting. I discuss with my clients that they should break that pattern by finishing to speak: whoever says A does not necessarily have to say B.”
“Kissing and caressing doesn’t have to automatically lead to fucking and cumming. It gives people space and can counteract avoidance. Moreover, women’s desire often only develops once they’re engaged, so you never know where it leads…”
Surprise!
“Surprise is a key concept. Try to surprise your partner every now and then, it breaks the routine. Predictable sex can be familiar, but there is a good chance that the tension will disappear and the sex will become boring.”
