“In the middle of a presentation to a client, I suddenly collapsed on the ground, like a rag doll. In the fire department ambulance, I have 6 blood pressure. I have been working non-stop for weeks, without taking breaks to recharge my batteries, because my brain has turned into an empty shell, I no longer understand what I’m doing. Analyzing, designing a strategic plan or simply writing a summary, everything that is usually so clear, seems obscure and insurmountable to me. I spend hours there, unable to concentrate. Burned out with fatigue.
My body has been warning me for 8 to 10 months: I get up exhausted in the morning, my muscles sore, like a beating. And I chain the sinusitis. Of course, I consult my general practitioner, but so that he can prescribe me high-dose fortifiers. When he tells me to slow down, I pretend to nod, determined to shoot myself to become the hyperactive that I like to be.
I am a fan of “if you want, you can”
Follower of “if you want, you can”, I thus metamorphose myself into a dictator of myself. I don’t want to disappoint my associates or underperform with my clients. The consulting company that we set up three years earlier is booming, there is no question of flinching.
I’m my own boss and day and night I answer my two smartphones, including when I’m playing with my son. I check my emails at night, when I wake up to drink a sip of water, in order to respond without delay, despite the time difference, to my clients based abroad. I impose this pressure on myself alone, the managerial dysfunction is mine. Already during my studies, I was looking for excellence and, until my fall, I liked to give my all, without counting my time. I receive the gratification of it, I feel valued by the recognition of my peers and by the admiration of my companion and my family. I owe my success to myself alone and I am proud of it.
Having to accept my fragility is violent
During my sick leave, coming out of denial is extremely painful. In my eyes, I am nothing. For weeks, I survived, lethargic, between the bed and the sofa, oppressed by an immeasurable feeling of shame and disgust, my body heavy with fatigue. My failure overwhelms me. I am unable to resurface. Which feeds my low self-esteem. When I recover a little energy, I cry for nothing and I am anxious.
I cling to my companion, who unequivocally supports me. The fortnightly appointments with the psychiatrist are my other vital crutch. He prescribed me an anxiolytic at the start, as well as intensive rest, both physical and psychological. In fact, I sometimes sleep 13 hours straight. But, above all, he listens to me, even if it takes me five and a half months to find the strength to really undertake psychotherapy, in order to understand the reasons for my burn-out and rebuild myself.
Having to accept my fragility is violent, I who saw myself as a rock, as much as realizing that I was wrong. I thought I was accomplished and I considered my frenetic pace before as THE life, when in reality I was missing out. I wanted so much not to disappoint anyone, starting with my parents, that I didn’t see that I hadn’t fully chosen the path I was following.
I had done what was expected of me without questioning myself.
Arrival at the right port
When I return to work after ten months off, I am no longer the same: I reserve all of Wednesday for my son and I only keep the clients whose issues interest me. Alas, the little flame has gone out. A year later, I sold my shares and invested in a small stud farm to create a cozy country club. I have been a rider since childhood, I like the relationship with the horse, it is my element. There are always financial and strategic aspects to my work, but I am calm. I feel like a sailor who has finally arrived safely. In tune with who I deeply am.”
In France, 2.5 million employees are in a state of severe burnout in 2022. This is revealed by the OpinionWay barometer for Empreinte Humaine.
To read : After burnoutDr François Baumann (ed. Josette Lyon)
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- Burn-out: everything that is true, and everything that is false
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