“I have been sober for 13 years. I had to hit rock bottom, to the point of no return of my downfall, to stop drinking. Thus, on January 23, 2009, at 12:30 p.m., I collapsed dead drunk on the floor during the vows ceremony of my company, a world major in the construction industry. On the floor, in front of the management and the 650 executives, I lose my dignity as a woman, my self-esteem, my inner beauty, my job and my few friends.
My slow suicide started when my husband died
My gradual suicide begins after the death of my husband, Pierre, from cancer. I m 35 years old. At first, wine is the companion that masks my excessive loneliness. I drink in the evening, alone at home, one or two bottles of wine or champagne. Thereafter, I add glasses of vodka-orange.
Alcohol knocks me out in a bed that has become cold. It fills my inner chasm and my emotional void. It brings me relaxation, euphoria, courage and confidence. Because to my grief is added professional pressure: I am one of the few women on the management team, my BlackBerry rings constantly and I answer at any time. I love my job, despite the lack of recognition in a 99% male company. Moreover, to hold on, we are a dozen female executives who meet at least three times a week for clandestine afterworks. Our drunkenness and joy comfort us for a few hours and drown out the stress of our responsibilities. Worldly alcoholism at work… I leave around 9 p.m., after five or six cups, and I continue alone at home
So, at 38, I lost my most precious possession: the freedom to abstain from drinking. I no longer control my consumption, I only live for alcohol. I seek intoxication as much as oblivion. I am so hurt and so ashamed to be a drifting human wreck. I drink to forget my shame of drinking.
Several times, I try to stop, in vain.
Periods of abstinence, calls to Alcoholics Anonymous, avoidance of places where alcohol is served, appointments requested at the hospital with a three-month wait. The doors close one by one. Two months before the episode of the wishes, the firefighters pick me up lifeless, under a building porch, in an alcoholic coma with a good dose of swallowed medicine in addition. My suicide attempt is a cry for help, I’m at the end of this life, I need help so badly. For every helping hand, I’m called “lewd and drunk” in the ER.
The click, thanks to which I definitely stop drinking, occurs the day after the vows, January 24 at 7 p.m. Although a non-believer, I go to church for the first time since Pierre’s funeral. The priest’s sermon talks about debauchery. A shock wave goes through me, both physical and psychological, as it resonates with the words heard in the hospital. I realize that I have lost everything except my life and, at that moment, I see my life without alcohol. Back home, I throw away all the bottles and make myself a hot chocolate. I have never relapsed.
A disease, not a flaw or a vice
Three days later, I was lucky enough to get an appointment with an alcoholic doctor, who immediately told me: “You are not responsible, because you are sick. You have the right to be listened to, to be cared for and above all not to be judged. Nothing to do with the will.”
I have never been spoken to with such kindness. His words relieve me of guilt and extricate me from shame. The consultations, based on exchange, are linked for 4 years. I don’t take medication, because my trigger was so powerful that I don’t have any withdrawal symptoms (shaking, dizziness…). At the same time, I started psychotherapy and joined a self-help group of former drinkers. My rebirth is so intense that I want to give hope to others.
I thus develop the H3D method to get out of alcohol and stay abstinent. Three Hs for Shame; Self-honesty; Humility; and a D for Desire. Indeed, do not be ashamed of your addiction. VSis a disease, not a flaw or a vice. Next, be honest with yourself about your drinking. Finally, faced with the power of alcohol, have the Humility to capitulate and ask for help, because you can’t do it alone. In the end, you are reborn to yourself and to your true Desire, which, for me, is to share my method and transform my experience into expertise. I am now a patient-expert in addictology, thanks to my double role as a former alcoholic patient, who received long-term care, and as an expert via the university degrees (DU), which I obtained: a DU in addictive practices and a DU in therapeutic education. Every Tuesday, I lead a group at the Grenoble University Hospital.
Learn more: No ! I stopped and Little Guide to a successful sober month, by Laurence Cottet, Dunod-InterÉditions
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