Top Santé: Slow dating is the art of taking your time to meet people. An essential in the age of snapshots of social networks and zapping?
Fabienne Kramer: “Love always takes its time. Immediacy is not love. Even love at first sight or the “crush” are in no way the guarantees of a love story. And for a simple reason: the attachment that is inherent in love is tied to our biology, it’s actually about making neural connections, developing hormonal secretions, profoundly modifying our brain in some way to make room for a history, to a future, to a lasting desire. And neuronal connections need time to be made, to “grow a neuron” it takes time, about 1mm per month. You can’t save time if you want to develop quality relationships. There is a parallel between seeing love grow and watching carrots grow!
What is the relationship between love and agriculture?
Fabienne Kramer: There is a real parallel between love and ecology. We understood that intensive agriculture did not produce carrots worthy of the name, they were empty of quality and nutrients. In love, it’s absolutely the same thing, it goes too fast and it lacks taste and nutrients.
The environment and love suffer from the same evils. Acceleration and consumption lead to the same shortcomings. We are witnessing a loss of meaning and a depletion of natural reserves in the same way that our capacity for love and desire is diminishing.
In our zapping society, love struggles to find the space-time it needs to develop, and we are creating a society that is out of love. Just as some choose to eat organic and local to preserve the world in which we live, we will have to take emotional hygiene measures to cultivate quality more than quantity!
What is the risk of wanting to go too fast during the meeting?
Fabienne Kramer: The risk is to wonder the next day what we are doing there. Telling ourselves that once again, we are disappointed that reality does not live up to our fantasy and finally, we blame the other who never lives up to our expectations.
The other risk, and surely the most annoying, is missing out on our great stories. I always say: it’s not that you didn’t meet the right person, it’s that you didn’t take the time to see if it was the right one. Finally, it is perhaps not that we do not the right meeting but that we may have let it pass. And it’s much more scary. We would like everything to be in the first minute, we are sold this dream but it has no relation to reality. It is an illusion.
Concretely, how do you take the time to meet?
Fabienne Kramer: I would advise sticking to one date at a time, chatting with only one person at a time and artificially telling yourself that you won’t be meeting anyone else within three weeks. It is important to dedicate yourself to each other exclusively and to give the relationship a chance even if there is not everything you expect. We can propose a path, several appointments whatever happens. Even if it feels like nothing will happen, it’s good to give yourself time to get to know each other for three weeks before moving on. You have to accept that desire is necessarily linked to the management of a form of frustration.
In terms of dating, what are the pitfalls to avoid?
Fabienne Kramer: The pitfalls lie in the disillusioned aspect that people manifest. They arrive at the meeting without believing it, without expecting much, they misbehave with each other, they consume”. We begin to distance ourselves from the notion of respect.
Too much consumption also leads to blackouts of desire, we end up wondering what’s the point since nothing is born and the emotions become bland. We have forgotten how thrilling and motivating love can be, the rarity being necessary so that the moment of the meeting remains an expected and unexpected moment at the same time. The trivialization of the meeting loses all interest. We forget more and more that a “date” is not just a one-night stand, it’s also a moment that could completely change your life!
Thanks to Fabienne Kraemer, psychoanalyst, author of “21 keys to slow love”, PUF. “Solo, no solo, what future for the couple?” PUF editions www.fabienne-kraemer.com
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