This is possible
People have sexual desires throughout their lives. Even if they live in a nursing home where there is usually little privacy. Fortunately, more and more is possible.
With the cooperation of Noëlle Sant, knowledge manager Dignity and Pride at Vilans.
Nursing home residents also have a need for sex, touch, sleeping together and caressing each other or themselves. And then preferably without anyone entering. Fortunately, more and more attention is being paid to this primal need. This is partly because it has become clear that patients feel better when there is room for sexuality and intimacy. A number of nursing homes employ a sexologist. Training is also available for healthcare staff to learn how to discuss these types of topics with the client and possibly partner or children. If you are a resident or family member, you can also start the conversation yourself. Be inspired by the following options and tools.
The duo, hook-up or coupling bed
The walk to the nursing home doesn’t have to be the end of being in bed together. A number of nursing homes have a duo bed in the house, also known as a couple bed. This is a bed that can be attached to the resident’s bed, allowing a partner, child or friend to stay overnight. The bed offers the possibility to lie against each other, to touch each other or at least to feel each other’s closeness. Unfortunately, not every nursing home has one yet. And if they do have such a bed, it is quite a hassle to arrange its use. It is also some extra work to connect and make up the bed. If you are interested, please ask the employees about it.
Call help
There is a lot of free training for carers to discuss sexuality of and with residents. Only: how do you present it yourself as a resident or family member? Not everyone is used to talking about their need for intimacy. If you can’t figure it out yourself, ask an employee to help you. Topics to discuss are, for example: can the door be locked, are the nightly checkups really necessary, can we agree on a do not disturb period, is a ‘no’ when knocking on the door acceptable, suppose: I don’t have a partner but do you need intimacy, what can you arrange? A number of nursing homes employ a sexologist who can help with more complex issues.
Snoezelen or sex care
Just like in care for the disabled, there are possibilities in nursing homes to have sex workers/sex carers come from outside. Incidentally, not always to have sex with a client, but often to touch someone lovingly, to massage, to hug or to hold hands. A very normal, healthy need and for some patients even a way to experience meaning in life again. There are several professional organizations that provide this type of care. The affiliated sex workers themselves often work or have worked in healthcare and know a lot about diseases and possible side effects of medication. Hiring so-called ‘snoezel’ or sex care is always done through the nursing home and the resident pays himself. The best-known organizations in this field are Flekszorg, the Alternative Relationship Mediation Foundation (SAR) and the Snoezelzorg Foundation.
Consult with the doctor
Illnesses and medication can dampen or stir up sexual feelings. Sometimes a person becomes much more sexually active, but it may also be that there is little or no need for sex anymore. In some people with Parkinson’s disease, the medication against this disease causes increased feelings of lust. The use of antidepressants, for example, can also affect sexuality. A doctor does not always discuss these matters in advance. As a client or family member, be alert to this and raise it yourself in a conversation. The amount or type of medication may need to be adjusted.
Open to everyone
One in twenty residents is lesbian, gay or transgender. Unfortunately, not everyone feels the space to admit this in the nursing home. take a look www.rozezorg.nl/organisations whether the intended healthcare institution has the so-called ‘Pink Carpet’ certificate. This is an official quality mark that indicates that the institution attaches great importance to inclusion and diversity. on www.roze50plus.nl you will find more information for gay and other non-heterosexual older people.
‘Just talking about it can be healing’
Riët Daniël, health care psychologist and sexologist in elderly care (Archipel Zorggroep): “Unfortunately, in many nursing homes there is hardly any policy on sexuality and intimacy. While it is actually good to have policy, because it is a sensitive and important subject. The SCP report Being yourself in the nursing home shows that the sexual well-being of nursing home residents is important for their well-being. Talking about sexuality is difficult for some people, but meeting their desires doesn’t have to be that complicated. Recently, for example, in one of the nursing homes where I work, there was a resident of around 80 who indicated that she missed her deceased husband. When the care worker asked what she missed, it turned out that it was also about intimacy and sex. The conversation came in a roundabout way on the vibrator. The woman indicated that she had tried one in the past, but that using it hurt. Then the employee came to me. Finally we told the woman that there is lubricant. She didn’t know that and she wouldn’t have discovered it on her own. She and the employee started looking for a good vibrator online. They really had fun with it. The lady was very happy afterwards. It was nice to see how both the resident and the employee felt free enough to have this conversation. Just talking about it can be healing. Residents often indicate that they miss a buddy. We keep asking questions and together we can see what they need. Sometimes these are tools from online sex shops, sometimes it is an escort to be pampered and sometimes a hand massage is enough.”
And further…
Also consider the following resources and, if necessary, ask whether the nursing home has them:
- The Qwiek.up† a device that creates experiences by means of projections (with sound) on the wall or ceiling. Examples: a nature experience, a train journey, but also erotic images.
- The sex suitcase: a conversation tool that healthcare workers can use to talk to residents about love and intimacy. The suitcase contains photos, for example of people holding hands, and posters of elderly people hugging naked. There are also lists of questions to start the conversation. In addition, the sex case contains information about diseases and which sex toys best suit them.
- One cuddle robot† Cats, dogs, seals; there is more and more offer on the robot market. Petting, combing or talking to such a robot hug can feel like a form of intimacy. It can calm people down and fulfill (part of) their care needs.
- Some nursing homes are also experimenting with the somnox, a sleeping robot in the shape of a pillow that seems to breathe. Holding the Somnox can make people breathe more calmly, sleep better and feel more secure.
Want to read more about sexuality in elderly care?
These websites for healthcare providers refer to all kinds of possibilities:
This article previously appeared in Plus Magazine March 2022. Want to subscribe to the magazine? You can do that in an instant!
Sources):
- Plus Magazine