Protecting the child from these tensions allows him to grow up in a climate of love and respect, where he can maintain a balanced relationship with each of his parents.
Children are often the first invisible victims of family conflicts. In some cases, they may find themselves in a situation of conflicting loyalties, feeling like they have to choose sides or hide their feelings so as not to hurt a parent. These dilemmas can affect their emotional development and mental health.
Recognize when there is a conflict of loyalties
Conflict in loyalties often manifests itself in subtle signs, such as a child avoiding talking about one parent or changing their behavior depending on which adult they are with. This discomfort can be exacerbated by criticism, sometimes implicit, such as a sigh or a skeptical look when he talks about a pleasant moment with his other parent. He may then feel guilty for sharing his emotions freely.
The consequences are significant: anxious behaviors, lower self-esteem or physical symptoms such as headaches or nausea. Being aware of this helps protect the child from disagreements between adults.
Maintain a caring attitude
Children need to feel that they have the right to love both parents without fear of offending one or the other. To do this, it is essential to show them that you are happy that they are spending quality time with the other parent. For example, after a stay at another person’s house, expressing a simple “I’m glad you had a good time” can be enough to reassure the child.
It is equally important not to share your frustrations or sadness related to a separation or family tension. These types of emotions, although human, can create a feeling of responsibility in the child. When a parent expresses their own discomfort, the child may feel forced to protect the one who seems more vulnerable, to the detriment of their own balance.
Resolving conflicts between adults
Family conflicts must be handled exclusively between adults, avoiding involving the child, even indirectly. If a problem or disagreement arises, it is important to discuss it directly with the other parent, without using the child as messenger. For example, if a situation reported by the child seems worrying to you, it is preferable to validate this information directly with the other parent, outside their presence.
When communication is difficult, calling on a family mediator can be a constructive solution. It is also essential not to give the child responsibility for deciding visits or time spent with one or the other parent. This type of choice places a disproportionate emotional weight on a child’s shoulders.
Find out more: “Separations with children: Conflicts, violence, manipulation” by Marie-France Hirigoyen.
