I’m curious how you view the phenomenon of asexuality. Does that exist or not? Me and my husband have been living separately for 7 years now, but are still married. I value and respect my husband and love him too. Sexuality was a difficult item though, my husband has always had a low libido, but now that he is getting older he no longer needs it at all. I suspect he has some form of ASD (asperger’s). He himself recognizes a lot in what is called a sexuality. He once visited a sexologist who told him that asexuality does not exist and that it would be best to treat him. However, this did not work, my husband dropped out, did not feel taken seriously. I had a sexual relationship with someone else for a while and felt relieved because of the naturalness of the sex and the relaxation that I did not know. Yet I also miss my husband and wonder if we might be able to make a new start. I do realize that it could be false hope that drives me.
Name known to the editors
Henriette Schoones, Sexologist NVVS/relationship therapist
From a scientific point of view, there is as yet no accepted definition of asexuality. Four characteristics are mentioned from the literature to:
To define asexuality namely:
- Absence of sexual attraction and sexual desire.
- Absence of sexual behavior.
- Self-identification, a person calls himself asexual.
- And finally a combination of the above features.
Asexuality is still one of the last sexual taboos. Based on what we now know about asexuality, we don’t think of it as pathology but more as a variation on orientation. But more research is certainly needed to confirm this view.
Expectatitons
My practical experience is that people who call themselves asexual have often desperately tried to meet the expectations of their partner in the sexual area, but that this is not sustainable in the long run. They feel inadequate and the question is what is still possible
is physical. Sometimes someone likes to cuddle, snuggle naked or romance as long as it doesn’t get sexual.
I don’t know if your partner calls herself asexual. You write that he has a low libido. Someone who is asexual has no sexual desire at all. You could investigate what is still possible in the area of intimacy. The question here is: to what extent is this acceptable to you?
It is important to get clarity about this otherwise there is a good chance that you will remain disappointed.
Do you also have a question? Then ask one of our experts. Always go to your doctor with urgent questions, the experts are not the right person for that. They also do not diagnose. You can find the other conditions here.
Henriette Schoones specializes in sexual and relationship problems. She has her own practice for sexology and relationship Therapy in Tiel and works as a sexologist in the Rivierenland Hospital in collaboration with the gynaecologists. She answers all kinds of questions that arise within a relationship.
