Is love for life “humanly” possible?
The question may seem curious, yet it deserves to be asked since the vast majority of humans dream of nothing more than a couple in love, faithful and on a permanent contract (couple of indefinite duration). “Current Westerners try to live a long-term monogamy when it is neither their nature (our origin is polygamous or multipartner), nor the majority culture of humans (only 30% of human societies are monogamous by right!), nor their recent history since until recently, the couple was “drowned” in the extended family, the man and the woman living little together and the couple’s lifespan being short (thirteen years in the Middle Ages, twenty years in the 19th century, fifty years in 1960 and more than sixty years today for couples formed very young)”, argues the psychiatrist and sexologist Philippe Brenot in “Le Sexe et l’amour” (ed. Odile Jacob). So, is the long-term couple necessarily doomed to failure? No, these happy duos exist even if they are not the most frequent. For long-term married lifeit undoubtedly requires flexibility, listening, and a perpetual reinvention of the relationship, with, anchored in the body, the idea that the couple is not self-evident and that the problems will not work themselves out. with time.
Is there a way to make love last?
It would be so wonderful to have a “road list” for love as for the big rallies. There are, however, a few small tracks that have proven their usefulness over time:
For love to last, you have to start by nurturing it. For this, it is essential to be attentive to oneself and to the other.
Preserve the tenderness essential to the couple with small attentions: a phone call just to hear the voice of the other, a caress or a light word in the evening before falling asleep, a tender or funny message on the breakfast table , an unexpected compliment, a good meal prepared for Little Darling because we know his day has been difficult, flowers…
Recognize the other and accept that his way of seeing life is just as respectable as ours. If what the other asks is essential for him and it is not unbearable for oneself, then it must be accepted.
Maintain the link by taking an interest in the life (or opinion) of the other. We marry in love, but twenty years later, what can remain in common if we haven’t told each other a little?
Show him esteem or, more exactly, recognize his qualities. There is always something admirable and “lovable” in the first sense of the word about someone: their even-temperedness, their patience, their humor, their enthusiasm, and even the little look they all throw the mornings crossing you, light, so soft and touching you…
You have to take your time
The absence of strong emotions, even boredom or temporary disenchantment, are not a disaster. The impatience of our time ends up making us confuse the neutral moments of a relationship with conflicts or failures. Couples have by nature ups and downs, to be accepted for what they are, inevitable and natural. Better still, a couple is not a real couple if they have not overcome the wear and tear of everyday life and a certain number of crises, a sort of baptism of fire.
Play games for two
Here is a very effective little game, to be repeated as often as necessary: it consists in expressing in front of the other all that charms us in him, the other, of course, doing the same. We can vary the pleasures and play “tell-me-when-you-are-happy-with-me”, we sometimes discover what years of marriage have never revealed, what is hidden behind an attention or a attitude. We then see that love is more surely lodged in the small gestures of everyday life than in the great moments of exaltation: “I am happy when you shake my hand hard in the street”; “I’m happy when at night, you curl up against me before going to sleep”… This exercise is not limited to a delicious slice of self-satisfaction, it allows you to establish the positive inventory of the relationship. And to draw from it, on days of scarcity.
Three-year-old, seven-year-old crises…Do they really exist?
We often talk about the crisis of three years because it generally corresponds to the arrival of the first child. The time that the situation deteriorates, and here is the couple on the verge of breaking up. Then, we evoke the crisis of the seven years because of the routine and the fall of the desire, that of the ten years considering the statistics which reveal a peak of the divorces around fourteen years after the marriage, therefore the appearance of the conflicts a few years before. In reality, each new event that is a little overwhelming can lead to a crisis in the couple: a move, the return to work, a promotion, unemployment, bereavement, the course of quarantine, that of retirement, the discovery of a liaison… But let’s also be reassured, a crisis is far from always being synonymous with indifference or the end of love. This stage can turn out to be an opportunity for a new start, on different bases. The important thing is to renew the dialogue with his companion. And if it seems too difficult to consider going through the “psy” box, we can consider therapy, marital or only for those who are going through the ordeal.
