Pushing intimacy is often a protective reaction to deep fears.
Intimacy is often perceived as an essential element to any fulfilled relationship. However, some people live it as a threat and adopt strategies to repel it. This behavior may seem disconcerting, but it often finds its origin in a avoiding attachment, developed from childhood.
What is avoiding attachment?
Attachment is a deep link that we develop very early in life. People with a avoiding attachment have often grown with parental figures little available or refractory to the expression of emotions.
Avoiding children learn that asking for support is useless, even that their emotions are weakness. Growing up, they become adults who value independence to the point of fleeing deep ties.
Avoid privacy to protect oneself
When a avoiding person feels too intense emotional rapprochement, it implements deactivation strategies. These strategies allow her to maintain a feeling of control and to avoid a relationship which she unconsciously perceives as threatening.
These strategies result in an excessive focus on the partner’s defects, an emotional background, or even an involvement with unavailable people (such as a distance relationship, or an already committed partner). It is not a conscious will to make the other suffer, but rather in an instinctive way of reducing anxiety linked to emotional proximity.
Promote communication and support
Rather than judging or criticizing these behaviors, it is important to adopt an understanding and benevolent approach. For partners of avoiding people, it is useful to establish an open dialogue, without pressure or ultimatum.
Recognizing the underlying fears makes it possible to establish a climate of trust where everyone can express their needs. For the person concerned, identifying their deactivation strategies is a first step towards change. Professional support can also help develop more reassuring relationships.
Find out more: “Heal attachment injuries: learn to build peaceful links” by Gwénaëlle Persiaux.
