Two sides of the same coin
Women claim their men, men want freedom. Or is that a cliche? Jean-Pierre van de Ven, psychologist at MIND and Kor Relatie, explains what causes fear of commitment and how you can still enter into an intimate relationship.
Women want to commit, men don’t. That’s the biggest cliché about relationships. Because men don’t want to commit, they don’t show up on your birthday, they cheat, they argue with your family. Women claim their fickle men by nagging, flattering and pleasing. They know this is annoying behavior, but it’s the only way to get men into a relationship. Are all these clichés actually true? And what does bonding look like without fear?
Two sides of the same coin
Fear of commitment and fear of separation are two sides of the same coin. When people find it difficult to enter into an intimate relationship, it is usually because they are afraid of being abandoned. They want a relationship, even if they want, but they don’t dare. People with fear of commitment almost never recognize this fear. They prefer to say that they like their freedom, that they are picky, or that other things have to take precedence.
Scared by previous experiences
People who have trouble committing rarely have problems with the potential partner himself. They have become frightened by past experiences, which cast their shadows. For example, they have been abandoned by their parents or a loved one, or they have been neglected or ignored. Also experience with sexual abuse and violence make it more difficult for someone to enter into intimate relationships later on.
attachment theory
That bad past experiences make it harder to bond with someone is the central idea of psychiatrist John Bowlby’s attachment theory. Together with psychologist Mary Ainsworth, he conducted research into attachment in children and adults in the 1960s. In our day, relationship therapist Sue Johnson has written extensively about attachment.
Not only men have fear of commitment
It’s not just men who are afraid to commit. This also occurs in women. Sue Johnson found that men and women who find it difficult to bond often end up in ‘crooked’ relationships. Usually one partner avoids intimacy, that is the one with fear of commitment. The other, the one with separation anxiety, does everything to please the partner.
How to bind?
It is also possible to commit without fear. This is only possible if both partners feel safe. That safety arises when you break through the skewed pattern, by expressing your feelings and thoughts. Don’t wait for your partner to discover “by itself” that you need reassurance, attention or care, but say such needs out loud. If you know that you speak important things when you have to, you don’t have to worry all the time that the other person will run away.
Do you want to talk about relationship problems? Then you can anonymously contact a social worker from Kor Relatie via www.koratie.nl or 0900-1450 (€0.15/min, Monday to Friday from 9 am to 6 pm)
