Cancer: the choice to talk about it at the end of treatment
It is this choice that the Minister for the Family, Dominique Bertinotti, has made. During the long months of treatment that followed the diagnosis of her breast cancer, last February, the minister was voluntarily silent. Neither his collaborators, nor his fellow ministers, nor the Prime Minister were aware of his fight against the disease. Only the President of the Republic had been warned. The latter kept the secret: “You make the choice you want to have to make for yourself. You choose silence and I will respect it.”
And so it was at the end of her treatment, when she was about to appear for the first time in public without her wig and with her short hair, that Dominique Bertinotti, 59, chose to break the silence, giving a poignant interview daily the world. Why speak now? “To help change society’s view of this disease, the name of which is terribly anxiety-provoking. To show that you can have cancer and continue a life at work. So that employers understand that long sick leave does not is not necessarily the best solution, so that there is less fear, more understanding,” she told Le Monde.
Cancer: when should you announce it to your family?
Of course, it’s up to you to decide when it’s best for you to announce your cancer to your family. Which will not necessarily be the same for all your loved ones. If you do indeed need a little time to digest the news, regain confidence and find the right words before talking to your parents, your friends…, that’s up to you. There are no rules so do as you please.
For your spouse, on the other hand, it is different. No doubt he is aware that you should take exams and so he waits for the answer. You are also perhaps lucky that he accompanied you.
Cancer: how to tell them?
The word cancer is often scary. Instead of announcing bluntly “I have cancer”, perhaps you can proceed in stages: first explain that the doctors have spotted an anomaly that they will have to remove during a procedure at the hospital . It’s not about lying but about taking things slowly. Do not forget to also specify what the doctor certainly told you: treatments are now very effective and your chances of recovery are great.
Do you feel unable to talk to them calmly and stay positive? There is no need to feel guilty and compare yourself to your friend Laurence who has proven to be much stronger than you. We all have different sensibilities, characters, experiences. Those around you may understand that this is too difficult for you and that you will need some time. Your husband can help you explain things to the children.
You can also ask your doctor to see your family if you think he can be clearer and more reassuring. Moreover, the fact of coming to consultations and learning about possible treatments for the cancer you are suffering from can have a beneficial effect on them.
Cancer: do children need to know?
You tell yourself that they are too young to know. But won’t they find that their mom and dad are worried these days? Children guess many things but if we don’t inform them, they imagine even more. Hiding from them what is happening to their mother is therefore never the solution.
With simple words, while being reassuring, it is necessary to explain to them that their mother is going to be operated on, because she is sick, but the doctors will treat her well. And that there will always be someone to take care of them. If you are having trouble, ask your doctor or pediatrician for advice.
As for your teenager, you spoke to him but he acts as if nothing had happened? He is even quite hard on you and does not make your life easier? It’s a fairly common reaction. It’s a way for him to deny reality, to ward off his fears, to bear the strong emotions it arouses in him. Maybe someone you know who he feels comfortable and trusting with can talk to him. There are also discussion groups in cancer centers specially intended for families.
Cancer: do you often have to broach the subject?
Not all families have the same needs, nor the same ways of functioning. In some houses, we are used to talking about everything. In others, discussions require more effort. So you won’t all talk about them with the same words or at the same pace.
The important thing is to try to fix the problems as they arise. For example: your son suddenly becomes sullen because he can’t stand having to take on certain daily tasks in your absence; your companion tends to keep everything to himself; you feel at fault; you apprehend certain treatments, etc. In these situations, a tune-up is probably necessary.
