Some people show a disinterest in sex. We are talking about an asexual person. “An asexual (she) feels no attraction to sexuality without having particular disorders, without experiencing pain during sexual intercourse or anxiety“, explains Alain Héril, psychoanalyst and sex therapist, author of To desire differently: journey to the heart of asexualities*. Asexual people represent 1-2% of the general population.
There are many forms of asexuality. One can thus distinguish the aromanticwho experience neither romantic attraction nor sexual attraction, cupiosexualswho do not feel sexual attraction, but may wish to experience this type of attraction or the grey-sexuals (people in whom the desire is as if on hold, as if waiting)…”Also, asexuality can be temporary. Some people can live without sexual desire for years“, specifies Alain Héril. He collected more than 600 testimonies of asexuals and came to the conclusion in his last work that this lack of interest in sex was not abnormal from the moment when asexuals do not suffer but was another standard.
Rethinking the couple differently
“Our society considers that daily, regular sexuality is a source of sexual and relational health. However, this sexuality can be sad and bland“, believes Alain Héril who believes that axexual people lead us to think of the couple differently. “It is not the regular sexual relationship that marks the vitality of a couple“, indicates the psychoanalyst and sex therapist.
“Tenderness, affection, mutual support can also be the couple’s barometer, not just sexuality“, he explains. He cites his encounter with couples who do not have sex but who sleep naked in each other’s arms.”Their sexuality is replaced by a very special tenderness“, decrypts Alain Héril.
Also an absence of sexuality does not prevent happiness as long as no one suffers from it in the couple. “In the case of a couple bringing together an asexual person and a person who is very sexual, this requires a lot of dialogue so that the lack of sexual desire is not taken for a lack of love.“, informs Alain Héril.
A libido focused on something other than sex
For most people, libido is associated with sexual desire and therefore asexual people would not have a libido. “The libido is present in asexual people but this libido is not directed towards sexuality as such“, corrects our specialist for whom the libido is an energy of life. It can thus move towards work, the care of children, artistic creation…”The libido then gives rise to satisfaction other than sexual satisfaction.“, finally concludes Alain Héril.
*Editions Leduc.s, May 10, 2023
