Domestic violence
Being beaten by your partner and yet staying with him or her: many people cannot understand it. Still. A look inside the head of victim and aggressor.
In couples where there is intimate partner violence, the interaction between the partners is often complex. At first they cling to a romantic ideal. They rely on the other to make them happy. After a while, cracks inevitably appear in that ideal.
Strong reaction
If one of the partners, often the woman, criticizes the other, this provokes a strong reaction. The criticism awakens in the perpetrator the fear of losing his partner and the fear of being dominated by her and thus losing his power. Other factors, such as stress or alcohol use, can add to this.
In a relationship with intimate partner violence, the two involved usually do not know how to deal with the differences between them. They cannot compromise and therefore cannot solve their problems. They have not developed the skills to communicate and negotiate with each other.
Aggressor
When someone turns to aggression towards his or her partner, it is usually because there is a short circuit somewhere. That short circuit has its roots in the partners’ inability to solve their problems. They want to keep control of the relationship and know no other way out than aggression.
Most offenders feel real regret and shame immediately after the crime. They want to make amends in every possible way. They want to avoid their partner’s business and start investing diligently in the relationship.
This can be done in a subtle way, by pampering the other. But it can also be more vicious, by humiliating the other. “Do you really believe there’s someone else you want?” Or it comes to threats: “If you leave me, I’ll kill you.” They are so afraid of their partner leaving them that they want total control over the other.
Victim
Aid workers often see that the victim of intimate partner violence puts the blame on themselves. They seize other causes, such as stress or alcohol, to explain the partner’s behavior. “He hit me because he had been drinking.”
Victims often do not want to leave the perpetrator of the violence. They are afraid that a parting will have disadvantages for the children, or for their financial situation. Or they fear that the partner will stalk them.
Usually it is a mixture of feelings that makes the victims decide to stay. Many of them do not dare to admit that they still love their partner, for fear that their environment would not understand. Often they feel like they are living with two partners: one brutal and one sweet.
Report violence
You can report domestic violence to your GP. Contact with the general practitioner or professional care provider can also be important for any burden of proof and/or compensation. Contact with the general practitioner is confidential. He is not allowed to say anything about this to your partner.
You can also contact Victim Support. Victim Support treats your data confidentially and will not go to the police without your permission.
If you notice that someone close to you is the victim or perpetrator of intimate partner violence, you often do not know what to do. You can also contact us for this Victim Support.
