Work together as partners
Quarrel: It happens in the best relationships. And it can be useful too; you learn about yourself and your partner and if all goes well you will come out stronger together. Provided you adhere to a few golden rules.
Before you get into a battle of words, it’s important to think about what you actually want to achieve. Do you want to be right? With such an approach, there is always a winner and a loser in the fight. And you want to win, so your partner will have to run off.
No game
If you want to do it this way; fine. But your relationship is not a competition, but a collaboration. If you want to avoid problems and as partners resolve matters and improve your relationship, stick to these guidelines.
keep it private
In the supermarket or at a dinner with friends, it is better to keep your barrage to yourself. Agree when and where you will discuss a sensitive issue. This prevents other people, such as your (grand)children, from having to join in the fun.
Finish on time
A fight cannot last. If there is no more time, make agreements or forgive each other. If you haven’t got that far yet, you can agree to discuss it again at another time.
Have respect for eachother
It is not the intention that you attack each other or throw (targeted!) crockery. Swearing is also a form of abuse, so keep those mean names to yourself.
Do not exaggerate
Don’t say, “You always do…” or “You will never…” Most of the time, this is a blatant lie or distortion of the facts and doesn’t help at all to solve the problem.
me, not you
Speak from yourself and not for the other. Don’t say, “You (never) take me seriously,” but say, “I don’t feel taken seriously by you.”
Live in
Try to genuinely understand the other person’s point of view. Usually you are so busy getting angry that you forget to listen to the other person. Try to understand where the shoe pinches.
Don’t always respond
Just because the other person gets angry doesn’t mean you should immediately get on the defensive. So don’t let everything degenerate into an argument, but just put some things aside. Not everything is worth fighting for.
Choose a target
Decide what you actually want to say and what you want to achieve with the conversation. Make sure you stick to that subject and don’t get old cows out of the ditch.
View the solutions
When you know what the problem is, you can come up with solutions. Sometimes you will find a solution that benefits both parties, but sometimes it will hurt both of you. Come to a decision together.
Don’t change the other
You can try as hard as you can to change someone, but he or she will still have to do it himself. Show the other person that you accept and understand him, then the other person will also be inclined to do his best for you.
Take a time out
Sometimes emotions run so high that it’s hard to stay reasonable. Then agree when you finish the conversation and don’t just run away.
