Me and my partner (both 41) have a great relationship. Everything is as we want, except the sex. I want much more often than him. I have an ex that had great sex with, but everyone else wasn’t. My new boyfriend does have sexual needs and satisfy himself. We can’t figure it out by talking. The GP has referred us to a sexologist, but we cannot afford it. Do you have any advice for us?
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Henriette Schoones, Sexologist NVVS/relationship therapist
This question is not so easy to answer, because I am missing a lot of information. It is not for nothing that your GP has referred you to a sexologist. Our main sex organ is not the vagina or the penis, the skin or your nose, but our brain.
The extent to which you experience sexual arousal does not mainly depend on sexual stimulation of the penis or the vagina, but it mainly depends on how you experience the sex. What your feelings and thoughts are about what is happening that determine whether the sexual stimuli are strengthened or weakened. The context must be right and stimulating.
fear of failure
I was wondering what it means to your partner that he knows that the sex with your ex was great. Maybe he suffers from performance anxiety and sex with you becomes like taking an exam for him. You could ask if he sees sex more as a job than something he looks forward to.
If you know the cause, you could create a new sexual script that doesn’t involve performance-oriented sex. The emphasis is on relaxation, surrender and feeling.
Furthermore, you should also clearly express expectations to each other about what you feel like at the moment when you are going to make love. It doesn’t always have to be ‘all the way’. Your partner might also be thinking about what you have in store for him. That he may also be passive and receive without having to perform in his experience.
Do you also have a question? Then ask one of our experts. Always go to your doctor with urgent questions, the experts are not the right person for that. They also do not diagnose. You can find the other conditions here.
Henriëtte Schoones specializes in sexual and relationship problems. She has her own practice for sexology and relationship Therapy in Tiel and works as a sexologist in the Rivierenland Hospital in collaboration with the gynaecologists. She answers all kinds of questions that arise within a relationship.