Give jealousy a positive spin!
You probably know that nagging feeling when your best friend wins a nice prize in that lottery, while you’ve been participating for two years and are always fishing behind the net. Everyone is jealous sometimes. But what exactly is jealousy and what can you do about it?
Jealousy is an emotion that, just like joy, fear, anger and sadness, is inextricably linked to our humanity. We are bombarded with synonyms such as jealousy, rivalry, envy and fear, but there is no one-sided definition.
Feelings
Wanting to do better than the other, fighting for honour, begrudging someone, being afraid of losing loved ones. These are all feelings that can be related to jealousy, but they certainly don’t always go together.
Just because you want to outperform a colleague, doesn’t mean you begrudge him or her a promotion. And when your best friend gets into a new relationship, it doesn’t mean you’re targeting her partner.
Rational and irrational jealousy
To give a better definition of jealousy, the distinction between rational and irrational jealousy by the American behavioral therapist Albert Ellis is very useful.
Rational jealousy is the feeling that occurs when there are actual reasons to be jealous (for example, when your partner is cheating or someone else is taking credit for your work). So, rationally ‘normally’ you have every reason to feel disappointed, regretful or sad.
Irrational feelings of jealousy are fueled by insecurity and fear. You think that something is going to happen, without any immediate reason to do so. Unjustified feelings of anger, mistrust and madness get the upper hand.
Jealousy as motivation
Jealousy is often seen as a bad quality, but those who read between the lines better know that jealousy isn’t necessarily wrong. Feelings of jealousy are unavoidable and simply part of our complex emotional life.
That is not to say, however, that nothing positive can come of it. Jealousy prompts you to do even better by learning from the past and making improvements in your life.
Here are 10 tips for coping better with feelings of jealousy:
Tip 1
Compare! Remember that no one can be the best, nicest or prettiest, including you. Do not expect that from yourself, neither does anyone else.
Tip 2
Work on your self confidence, because uncertainty is the greatest ‘feeder of jealousy’. You may not be the best, nicest or most beautiful in the world, but you are unique and have enough qualities to be worthwhile.
Tip 3
Ask yourself: why am I jealous? Is it something that someone else has and you don’t? Then take a look at what it is you would like and how you could achieve it. Be realistic in setting your goals. A nice car or nice job should work, but a size 34 while you always have a size 42, may not be what you should aim for. It probably wouldn’t even make you happier.
Tip 4
Accept and be happy with the differences between people. One is good at sports, the other is good at painting. If everyone were the same, the world would be boring. Then everyone aspired the same, everyone fell for the same people and you were not unique.
Tip 5
Remember that everyone has their insecurities. You may be jealous of a friend with a happy family life, while that friend envies your successful career.
Tip 6
Reverse the roles. How would you like to be treated if you were the one you envy? Be happy for the other, don’t show that you are jealous.
Tip 7
Learn from the past. Mistakes are there to be corrected, so don’t be too hard on yourself.
Tip 8
Pain in your stomach, headaches and sleepless nights are signs that you are doing something too much. Do not let feelings of jealousy get the better of you, stop them by talking about them (pushing them away is counterproductive!).
If you cannot turn to your family, close friend or partner, consider professional help. A psychologist can give you insight into the causes of your jealousy and help you counteract the feeling.
Tip 9
Trying to change someone else is futile and only irritates. Start with yourself and don’t wallow in self-pity. Are you unhappy with your current situation? So what can make you happy?
Whether that means breaking up, finding another job, or even better trying to get a promotion next time, that’s up to you. As long as it makes you happier.
Tip 10
If you happy and confident, you have no reason to be jealous either!
