In 2007, almost a third of divorces involved marriages twenty years or more old. Obviously, if everyone waited until the children were older before they could go their separate ways, there wasn’t much that could be done. “You shouldn’t have too many casting errors,” confirms Marie-Claude Gavard, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and psychotherapist. A couple must be built on affinities, common values, because that is what lasts once the intoxication of the early days has subsided. But that is not enough either. The proof : how many couples devote themselves as a priority to their children, forgetting to nurture their marital intimacy, and realize that they no longer share anything when they meet face to face?
1 Remember what charmed us with him at the beginning, which moves us and still pleases us today. History to have again the desire to seduce him and to touch him. Remaining physically close is important: to hold hands, to kiss, not mechanically but with in mind how essential his presence is to us, and with the intention of showing it to him.
2 Relaunch the dialogue. The time has come to take stock, everyone must be able to express their emotions, their expectations and their frustrations. If what the other is asking for is essential for him and not unbearable for himself, it must be accepted. It is recognizing that his way of seeing things is as respectable as ours.
3 Forget about aggressiveness. The worst is not the routine, but the perpetual reproaches. Criticism emphasizes the bad aspects of the other person’s personality and denies what is good about them. We can say what bothers us without sounding like a condemnation.
4 Do not consider it as a piece of furniture. Love is not a passive state, but an art of living: sharing what may interest him, paying attention to him, to what he says, pointing to the positive and telling him when he makes us happy.
5 remember that love is like a wood fire, to which we must constantly add logs. Small daily gestures fuel the fire more surely than great moments of exhilaration: a tender or funny message on the breakfast table, a compliment, his favorite dish …
6 Multiply the activities in pairs. To restore the lost bond, there is nothing like meeting outside, as in the early days. Studies by New York University psychologist Arthur Aron show that just introducing a little whimsy (trying a new restaurant, taking a painting class together) can be enough to rekindle the fire.
7 Have common projects, but not all. Too much proximity hinders desire. Hence the need to leave a little space, to balance specific and common activities, to alternate face-to-face and outings with friends.
Read also:
Couple: sex to stay connected
Sex: we revisit the missionary for more pleasure
The benefits of the kiss on well-being and health
