In 2007, nearly a third of divorces involved marriages that were 20 years or older. Obviously, if everyone was waiting for the children to grow up so they could separate, there’s not much you can do. “There shouldn’t be too many casting errors, confirms Marie-Claude Gavard, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and psychotherapist. A couple must be built on affinities, common values, because that’s what lasts once the exhilaration of the early days has subsided. But that’s not enough either. The proof : how many couples give priority to their children, forgetting to nurture their conjugal intimacy, and realize that they no longer share anything when they find themselves face to face?
1 Remembering what charmed us home at the beginning, which still moves us and pleases us today. Just to want to seduce and touch him again. Staying physically close is important: taking hands, kissing, not mechanically but bearing in mind how essential his presence is to us, and with the intention of showing it to him.
2 Relaunch the dialogue. The time has come to take stock, everyone must be able to express their emotions, expectations and frustrations. If what the other asks is essential for him and not unbearable for oneself, it must be accepted. It is to recognize that his way of seeing is as respectable as ours.
3 Forget aggression. The worst is not the routine, but the perpetual reproaches. Criticism emphasizes the bad aspects of the other’s personality and denies the good in him. We can say what bothers us without it sounding like a condemnation.
4 Do not treat it as furniture. Love is not a passive state, but an art of living: sharing what may interest him, paying attention to him, to what he says, pointing out the positive and telling him when he makes us happy.
5 Remembering that love is like a log fire, to which you must constantly add logs. Small daily gestures fuel the fire more surely than great moments of exaltation: a tender or funny message on the breakfast table, a compliment, his favorite dish…
6 Multiply the activities in pairs. To restore the lost bond, there’s nothing like meeting up outside, like in the early days. Studies by New York University psychologist Arthur Aron show that the simple act of introducing a little fantasy (trying a new restaurant, taking a painting class together) can be enough to rekindle the flame.
7 Have common projects, but not all. Too much closeness hampers the desire. Hence the need to leave a little space, to balance own and common activities, to alternate one-on-one and outings with friends.
Read also:
Couple: sex to stay connected
Sex: we revisit the missionary for more pleasure
The benefits of kissing on well-being and health
