A friend of mine’s father recently passed away. This happened completely unexpectedly. I would like to help my girlfriend cope with this great loss. What can I do to help her?
woman
Jean-Pierre van de Ven, Psychologist at Correlation:
It’s nice and polite of you to help that friend. People who are struggling, such as coping with the loss of a loved one, benefit from what is called social support. But I advise you to be careful with offering help. Don’t help too quickly and don’t take the initiative.
- Don’t help too soonLife comes with setbacks, including unexpected ones. Usually it takes a few months to get over the worst shock. People need that time to deal with their loss in their own way.
- Don’t take the initiative Well-intentioned advice and help can disrupt the natural processing process in the first months. Debriefing someone too quickly (persuading someone to tell what happened) all too often turns out to be just a posttraumatic stress disorder to work in hand. Help that comes too early robs people of their sense of efficacy. This is the experience of processing what life offers you in your own way. Help from others also carries an unintended second message, which is that you cannot handle life yourself. This feeling reduces the chance that you will handle the loss properly.
What can you do?In the first months after your friend has lost her father, you can do little more than be there. Let her speak if she wants to speak and silence if it is right for her at the time. You may be able to help in practical ways, such as helping to write funeral cards or clean up a house. But here too, the initiative must lie as much as possible with the person who is grieving.
If your friend has symptoms of unresolved grief after about three months, you can urge her to seek help. Unprocessed grief can be treated well, but it is necessary that a professional takes care of the guidance. If your friend does not want to seek such help, urge her to express her feelings about her loss as much as possible. Invite her to talk, to find places related to her father (come along if necessary), and to actively pick up life again.
Express your concerns if you have them and involve others (family, friends of your girlfriend) in your efforts to support her. In all cases, don’t try to cheer her up with texts like ‘life goes on’, or ‘let it go’. Don’t tell her too much about your own experiences of grief and loss. Do not give advice that she does not ask for herself. There is a good chance that your girlfriend will not feel understood and will move further away from you.
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