Family burnout: “Living and surviving was stronger than the solution of taking my life”

Reading the pages of his novel, This space I missed (Chafouine Éditions), we feel with Marion du B’ that the outcome is inevitable.It’s a period that remains a little vague, there are some holes in the story, a traumatic amnesia that preserves, but that day, there was this drop and this survival instinct for myself and for my child… Living and surviving was stronger than the solution of taking my life.”That day was a Sunday in July 2018, and the young mother, already at the end of her tether for several months, began to have ever-present suicidal thoughts.

She then decides to have herself admitted to the psychiatric emergency room.I told myself that the story couldn’t end like this, not after having overcome all these things. My partner told me that he couldn’t help me, that I was the problem, that I had had a complicated childhood and that it wasn’t his fault… In short, no one would come to help me. It had to come from me. So I turned to health professionals.”

Family burnout: “I was criticized for still breastfeeding my six-month-old son”

For a week, Marion is hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. Seven long days during which she will only be able to see her baby, whom she is still breastfeeding, for a few hours at the end of the day.It was torture because I felt guilty about leaving my baby.“But it is an essential evil so that the mother can get back on her feet.

With the help of a psychiatrist, she takes a step back from her life.When the psychiatrist told me that I was a hypersensitive person, it did me a lot of good, I told myself that I finally had an explanation and that I was not crazy, and above all, that there were also other people like me. I was able to rethink my whole life, all my relationships.“Relationships are precisely the cornerstone of Marion’s family burnout.”After the birth, I think I suffered from postpartum depression, not so much because I was only sleeping three hours in fits and starts every night or because I was devoting every second of my life to taking care of my son, but mainly because of all the pressure I was getting from my partner, my in-laws, etc. It had already started during the pregnancy and then I received all sorts of criticism about the way I was raising my child. For example, I was criticized for still breastfeeding my six-month-old son or for being too close to him.”

Another moment that marked the mother’s memory: the stay in the maternity ward when her baby was born.They all insisted on coming, even though we wanted to stay just the three of us. Finally, since they were giving us the cold shoulder, we agreed to let them come, even though I was very tired.“And for good reason, Marion’s delivery had been particularly trying, with more than 42 hours of labor, which ultimately ended in a traumatic cesarean. Worse still, during this “landing” in the newborn’s room, the mother-in-law, too impatient to stay with her grandson, had the nerve to send out the nurse who had come to treat the young mother who was still very affected by her delivery.

This very intrusive in-law family also leads to numerous arguments within the couple and growing anger in Marion, who has to deal with a strong feeling of injustice.Inside my body it was like a pressure cooker, it had to explode: either it exploded or it imploded, but it had to come out… And when we are not heard, we raise our voices, then we scream, and we can end up hitting the walls. Except that in the end, as we lose control, we have the impression that everything is our fault and that we are the guilty ones.”

“My mother died after tripping over a rock in the mountains while I was on the other side of the world… I wasn’t able to grieve properly.”

Added to this situation was the sudden death of her mother in the summer of 2016, just a few months before Marion became pregnant.My mother died after tripping over a rock in the mountains while I was on the other side of the world… I couldn’t grieve properly, I had to be there for my father who was devastated, and then for my child who was about to be born.“This dramatic event will lead the young mother to develop hypervigilance with her son, leading to a great source of daily stress.

A breakup to find each other again

During her stay in the psychiatric hospital, the thirty-year-old does not see her partner once. Back home, he congratulates her for having the courage to seek treatment, but does not think for a moment that he also plays a role in the equation.He doesn’t question himself, he thinks it’s all my fault. That hurt me a lot. We broke up in 2020, not because we didn’t love each other anymore, but because there were too many difficulties in our relationship, with his family always coming to cause trouble between us. It did us both a lot of good. For my part, it allowed me to rebuild myself, get back to work and resume a social life. And he was able to work on himself. Finally, we got back together at the end of 2021.”

“You have to ask for outside help, because when you’re sinking, it’s a vicious spiral.”

It took Marion three years to get out of her family burnout, with and for her son.I am still taking antidepressants because I have this fragility, particularly because I am hypersensitive I think.“On the in-laws’ side, geographical distance helps to reduce tensions.”I don’t want to deprive my child of his grandmother who loves him, so I encourage a relationship. There are always things to criticize about behavior, but I’m putting a little water in my wine.”

Today, she shares her experience to help other women who might find themselves in the same situation.There are so many mothers in distress and couples who explode with a family that breaks up behind. However, basically, when we want a child together, it is because we love each other and we want to live happily ever after. In my opinion, there is a great lack of support for young parents.”

“If it doesn’t go well for a day every now and then, that’s okay. But if it’s been a week and every day is unbearable, you have to take a tangent and leave.”

The author insists, “We don’t have to reach a breaking point to put things in place“Burnout doesn’t happen overnight,”we know it inside our bodies when things have been going wrong for too longHis advice: “If it doesn’t go well for a day from time to time, it’s ok. But if it’s been a week and every day is unbearable, you have to take a tangent and leave. And above all, you have to ask for outside help, because when you’re sinking, it’s a vicious spiral.”

According to one IFOP survey 2022 which surveyed 1,002 mothers of children aged 0 to 7, 43% of them do not feel supported on a daily basis. Only 34% of these women say they receive full moral support from relatives and 25% on a logistical level. 70% say they feel they spend too much – or at least a lot – time organizing daily life. In total, 68% of mothers say they are physically tired, 57% are mentally tired, 35% feel that overall “everything is not going well” and 34% of mothers feel affected by parental burnout.

To learn more about Marion du B’s story, find her on social media @mariondub_auteure and through his many books, the next of which will be released on July 8, 2024: Then one day I chose to liveChafouine Editions.