Marie Villequier lost her youngest daughter a few days before her pregnancy. She tells us about this painful moment, the mourning that followed, and this new force which pushes her to get up every morning.
- By going to maternity to give birth, Marie and her husband learned that their daughter had died in utero several hours before the water pocket cracks.
- “When confirming the death, I made a cognitive dissociation. I started to cry and I felt like I got out of my body. It was so violent … ”
- If four years after this loss, there is not a day that passes without Marie thinking of her youngest daughter, she today tries to draw a new force.
“” “When I presented myself in maternity to give birth, the midwife set monitoring but she could not heart. So she called the gynecologist to ultrasound … who took a long time! Being in the medical community, it immediately put me in the ear”Begins the pediatrician Marie Villequier to tell me her story. “” “In addition, during this ultrasound, I saw that nothing was moving. With my husband we looked at each other, holding his hand very strongly … until the cleaver fell.»
When the gynecologist turned to us to tell us that the heart was no longer beating, she was very moved.
The doctor announces to the couple that their child died in utero. “” “It was a blow for us, but the announcement was made with great sweetness. When the gynecologist turned to us to tell us that the heart was no longer beating, she was very moved. The midwife also had tears in his eyes … When we put the blouse, we must have a necessary step back and put a filter with our patients, but we do not always succeed. In this case, seeing their sad faces did us a lot of good.»
Parents will later learn that the death arrived several hours before the water pocket cracks the day before the evening of childbirth. “” “It had been several days since I felt it less moving, but my entourage told me that it was normal at the end of pregnancy so I did not worry more than that.»
“” “When confirming the death, I made a cognitive dissociation. I started to cry and I felt like I got out of my body. It was so violent … Yet I accompanied many families in mourning their child, but you are never prepared to experience the death of your own child.»
I wanted to give birth by the way to feel mother a second time and tell me that I had given birth to my daughter.
This moment of life to be as cruel as it is unimalible, the present moment requires pragmatism and rigor on the part of the medical team: Marie must give birth. “” “The question of the cesarean crossed my husband’s head, but I wanted to give birth by the way to feel mother a second time and tell me that I had given birth to my daughter.”A choice strongly supported by healthcare professionals because childbirth has been recommended for many years when the baby has died. Indeed, doctors realized that the cesarean could strengthen the trauma experienced by the mother; childbirth being part of the natural maternity process. In addition, the cesarean can cause complications for possible future pregnancies (placental anomalies, fragility of the uterus).
At birth, the couple wanted to spend time with their daughter, Iris. “” “We were able to take our daughter in our arms and kiss her. We had a real moment of love for an hour and a half with her. We were able to take the imprint of his hands and his feet, a wick of her hair …”The team also encouraged the bereaved couple to take pictures of their baby. “” “They were right because when our older daughter claimed them, we were able to show her. The photos are very beautiful, you just feel like it is sleeping.»
We could no longer work the first weeks (…) all the energy we had, we gave it to our eldest daughter.
To their eldest who was not yet two years old, the parents announced the sad news with simple and concrete words. “” “You should not hide things or use allegory. The professionals advised us to clearly tell him that her sister had died, that her heart had stopped beating. We were surprised to see how she had received the thing and expressed her sadness at only 20 months. She was incredible and thereafter, she was able to hear that we were not in good shape on certain days because we were sad too.»
Continue to live, without iris, was particularly difficult for the family, who still managed to keep the course. “” “We couldn’t work the first weeks anymore, so my mother came to help us. All the energy we had, we gave it to our eldest daughter. It was not possible that we let ourselves be flowed when she was there.»
To get up and rebuilded, Marie follows psychotherapy and exchanges a lot with an association of bereaved parents. “” “I was very supported by my husband, my friends and the family.”The belly knotted by guilt, writing has also helped the old onco-pediatre a lot to heal his wounds. “” “Very quickly, I needed to put the words on what had happened 24 to 36 hours before childbirth and until our daughter’s burial. Even if caregivers explain to us that it is not our fault, I felt a big guilt. We tell ourselves that we may have done something badly, lots of elements come back in mind …”The results of Iris’ autopsy do not reveal any malformation, or infection and Marie’s pregnancy had gone very well. No one knows why this baby died, as is the case in a third of cases of death in utero. The mother could not have done anything to save her child. “” “You have to learn to let go to accept that this mourning will remain unanswered.»
This writing – therapeutic pres- relaunches the past desire of Marie to write a novel. “” “I have always had the dream of writing a novel, but having started studying medicine I dropped. Finally, as I was not at all able to regain work in my Onco-Pediatry service after my maternity leave, I decided to register for a creative writing training on the Internet.“From this training, the novel and our roads will be released, which are still intersecting, published by Éditions de la Rémanence. Through this moving book and full of great humanity, it is a very beautiful tribute paid to its old service. “” “Unconsciously, I think I wanted to leave a trace, pay tribute to what I had experienced in this service alongside these patients and my colleagues … A way for me to say goodbye.»
We discussed a lot with my husband (…) Sometimes it was I who was at the bottom of the hole, sometimes it was him …
Today, Marie is working as a pediatrician in a medico-social center and continues writing. “” “I finished my second novel, but you still have to wait for an upcoming publication.»
And how does the couple get through this storm? “” “We have discussed a lot with my husband, who is however very silent. We didn’t live things in the same way or at the same pace. Sometimes it was me who was at the bottom of the hole, sometimes it was him … the fact of verbalizing all this, not to hide to cry and to accept that the other is not in tune with ourselves , helped us a lot.»
The couple also had a boy, born 16 months after Iris. “The gynecologist who gave birth for me for my son is the same as the one who gave birth for me for my younger daughter. She was on duty that night and when she entered the room, she didn’t know how to react. It was a surprise for her, as for me. I took her hand to tell her that I was happy that she was her and it did her a lot of good. Finally, this birth was an incredible moment: when my son was born and pushed his cry, the gynecologist and the auxiliary of life were in tears, we were in communion with the caregivers, it was a very strong moment in emotion”Smiles Marie.
If four years after this loss, there is not a day that passes without Marie thinking of her younger daughter, she tries to draw a new force. “” “There is a before and an after. I felt like I was on a small, well -traced road and, Pouf, Crash Automobile! We are damaged, we see the others continue on their straight line and we resume on a highlighted road … Finally, this path is also beautiful because we are going more slowly, we ask ourselves more questions and we realign ourselves with important things in the life.»
