How to help your child become a psychologically stable adult? Dr Michaël Larrar, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, enlightens us on this subject.
Why doctor: In your book The Secrets of our unconscious at Librinova editions, you talk about the “mourning of omnipotence” that every child must experience. Can you explain to us what this means, and how parents can help in this process?
Michael Larrar: Infantile omnipotence is something absolutely natural in the first years of life. The child is the center of everyone, he has the impression that many things depend on him, that he can control the people around him… But there is another side of the coin to this feeling, it is that it can give him a lot of guilt. For example, if the parents separate, he may think that it is because he did something stupid. We must therefore explain to him that he is not all-powerful, that it is normal to sometimes have unpleasant thoughts and that this will not lead to punishment. He must understand that the only possible punishment is that given by mom or dad, but not by any divinity in response to their “bad actions”.
This infantile omnipotence will then continue into adolescence: it is a period when the child tells himself that everything is possible, he believes in his dreams and thinks that he will succeed in everything. It’s important to leave him with this idea because it will help him evolve, but you also have to explain to him that we can miss things and that that won’t make him a loser.
The mourning of this omnipotence is often a difficult passage because little by little, the adolescent realizes that he is not as intelligent or perfect as he imagined, he realizes that his life will not be certainly not as sensational as he had thought. This can make him depressed.
“There is no parent-child relationship without constraint and without conflict”
Why can toddlers tend to choose conflict over calm? How to react to this?
Young children want interaction, they want excitement, and this is what makes them extremely dynamic during the first six years of life. Spontaneously, the child will therefore seek conflict, which is an excitement, rather than calm. One of the parental functions is to bring him back to calm and show him that we do more things in peace. These infantile provocations are more common in children who seek a lot of attention and excitement, but that doesn’t mean that parents don’t give enough! It is sometimes painful for the parents, but they must teach the child to do without them a little and get him to take care of things alone. Helping your child to become independent helps them to have confidence in themselves. We must help him grow and take pride in this empowerment.
Furthermore, there is no parent-child relationship without constraint and conflict. It would be way too easy to be a parent if you just had to be nice. So we also have to accept that there is more than just kindness. Educational involves a little constraint, even a little parental aggressiveness.
“Encouragement and recognition are a delight for the child who wants to succeed and make us proud”
What do you think about positive education?
Overall a lot of good! It’s very positive to bring things to the children with kindness and encouragement. When we devalue them or argue with them, they tend to give up rather than fight, while encouragement and validation are a delight for the child who wants to succeed and make us proud. But as always, it is the excesses of dogma that are problematic, and psychoanalysis has tended to be too dogmatic, moving from too rigid an education to too positive an education which cancels out the natural conflict and necessity relating to the constraint. We must therefore maintain nuance, because we need a bit of all that.
Should we deconstruct gendered education?
For a child’s peaceful development, it is necessary to keep certain educational classics without forcing or imprisoning him. There are social movements that want to rule out preformed gender in children, but this is not the reality of psychology. So I would say that you have to be quite classic but if you feel that you have a child who does not fit into the classic molds, you have to relieve him of guilt and help him to enjoy developing in a joyful way without having to impression that he is disappointing or abnormal.
Around 6 years old, the child realizes that he does not like everyone.
You also talk about the “mourning of seduction” in your work, a mourning that is important to experience as you grow up. How can parents help the child? Do they really have a role to play in this or is it rather the experiences lived outside the family circle that count?
Both count: the parents who support the child in grieving and obviously the often painful but necessary experiences of reality which will lead the child’s psyche to refocus on something else.
From 0 to 3 years old, children want to please their parents: they notice when they do something well and want to do it again. The child’s psychomotor and emotional development is also linked to the pleasure of interaction with parents and their seduction. It’s a necessary process, you have to accept being seduced by your child because it will affect him a lot. As he grows up, he will make drawings, perform shows… and we will have to encourage him so that he can grow positively.
Around age 6, children will begin to experience experiences outside that do not give them the same pleasure as at home. He will fail in this seduction, he will see that he is not the mistress’s favorite, that his friends do not necessarily want to do what he wants, etc. The child realizes that he is not as attractive as at home, but he will naturally try to be attractive by acting interesting, and sometimes, if he is limited, he can become aggressive. So very quickly, you have to help your child by explaining to him that you can’t please everyone, that he will always please the parents but that’s all. If some children don’t want to play with him, you have to explain to him that it doesn’t matter and that he must do what he wants to do, that he must put his energy into the other children with whom he is involved. it’s great.
During adolescence, acceptance in the group, especially the popular group, reassures young people a lot about what they are worth even though it is totally superficial. Conversely, a rejected young person very quickly has the impression that he is bad and he confuses his ability to seduce a group with his deep values. You must then be present to help him untie all of this.
Set limits even if the child is not yet able to understand them
When is the child mature enough to understand the limits set?
Obviously it depends a lot on the children. There is an innate element in children, which parents see very early. This is also what makes the differences rich. Obviously, there is also maturity with age and intellectual competence: the older the child, the more sensitive he will be to accept nuances and limits. However, you should not wait for this maturity to set limits. Some of them, which he will have by constraint and habit, are necessary for him, such as accepting that he sleeps alone or that we sometimes let him cry a little. He will then integrate these limits with more maturity as he grows up. They will be understood and intellectualized. Then, there are limits that we bring with words. For example, at 2 years old, when we say not to hit, the child does not yet understand why. As he grows up we can explain to him that if he hits, the other children will not play with him. As one’s intellectual skills develop, one always favors explanation.
“You have to give a lot of immediate love to children, and accept not being a perfect parent”
In your practice, what are the most common reasons for consultation for young children? Has this changed in recent years?
We will say that from 0 to 3 years old there will be separation anxiety of the child from the parents or phobias. From 3 to 6 years old, it is the beginning of schooling and socialization, we can then see certain behavioral disorders appear such as violence, exhibitionism with others, etc.
From 6 years old, the field is wider because we also have anxiety, OCD, etc.
What advice would you give to parents who want to do well?
I see a lot of parents who no longer trust each other. They want to be good parents so much that they lose their spontaneity. However, we say in psychoanalysis that if you are not too ill, you must trust your intuition. When everything is going well, you just have to enjoy it. On the other hand, when we feel that things are not going well even though we think we have functioned normally, it is good to ask yourself questions, to read, to ask for advice, etc.
I also think that we should not spoil the relationship with children with too many dogmas and obligations. You have to give a lot of immediate love to children, and accept that you are not a perfect parent. It’s obligatory to make a mistake with your child, everyone does! This only becomes problematic when you repeat the same mistakes for months.