The beginnings of a love story are very often idyllic, sometimes too much… the psychologist Johanna Rozenblum details the mechanisms of love bombing, this process which allows manipulators and narcissistic perverts to put their new partner under their thumb by creating a toxic relationship within the couple.
Why Doctor: What do we call love-bombing, presented as a weapon of narcissistic perverts?
Johanna Rozenblum : The love bombing, previously called “the honeymoon phase”, is the first stage of a control. It consists for the partner who wants to subject the other to create the necessary conditions for the control. In general, it is a period at the beginning of a relationship when he or she – but it is more often a question of men – pretends to be the providential individual, the long-awaited person: intense attentions, very many compliments… His objective is to meet almost all the expectations of its future prey. That is to say adapt to all her emotions, her expectations, her needs so that she feels loved as she has never been. Thus, the victim finds himself in a situation of ultra-confidence which will make him dependent.
Love bombing is the first step in getting under control
Of course, for the victim, this is not a stage. For her, it is the reflection of the love story that she will live. But, for the predator, this ultra-presence is only a temporary stage. In truth, there is no love, it is a social mask. For him, it is a question of achieving the subjugation of his prey. Love bombing is used by all individuals who wish to submit the other or to be the center of attention. That is, manipulative and egotistical personalities, like narcissistic perverts.
Love bombing: “he seems like a Swiss army knife person, always 100%”
What are the signs that can make you fear being the target of love bombing?
There are two essential signs that we are faced with the love bombing of a manipulator or narcissistic pervert. The first is to have the feeling of having fallen on a providential person, even too perfect. She gives the impression of understanding everything, even what our loved ones have never understood. She is always attentive, always empathic… She seems to be a Swiss army knife person, always 100%. In the end, it’s almost too much… However, the targets of love bombing can generally tell only with hindsight.
Incidentally, this leads to the second warning sign. Often victims – when they realize they have been victimized months or even years later – speak of a hunch. They recognize that they had noticed something that did not seem natural, prefabricated. My advice is to linger on that feeling, and question yourself. The perfect and providential person does not exist.
For the victim, the “honeymoon” phase is representative of the person, but this is false
How to react if we are in this first stage of control?
When you are in front of a manipulator, you absolutely have to leave. What you have to understand is that manipulators have a perverse narcissistic personality. They don’t question themselves. The problem is always other people, and they will never work on them. Moreover, one never sees the manipulators in the cabinets of the psychologists. We only see the victims once they are destroyed.
Given that they have no spirit of self-criticism, that there is no desire for psychic work on their personality disorder or their relationship to others, one should not imagine that the person will change. .
This is what is very dangerous in love bombing. From the victim’s point of view, this “honeymoon” phase is representative of the person and the relationship. Thus, she does not leave, because she thinks that she will find the person of the first days, the one with whom she fell in love. But in reality, this person does not exist. The only solution is to leave.
Toxic relationship: “if you love your friend, you have to talk about it…”
People in love don’t always have the perspective to see the flaws in their new relationship, unlike an outside eye. What to do if it feels like a loved one is the target of a narcissistic pervert’s love bombing?
If you love your friend, you have to talk about it right away… even if it’s not easy. You have to share your concerns for her. Afterwards, she may not hear it, especially if a form of denial has already set in.
Then, the best proof of friendship is to stay by your side no matter what, to maintain a bond. Indeed, in the second stage – the one that marks the establishment of control and manipulation – there is social isolation. “Fortunately you have me, you’ve been dropped by everyone, etc…” here are the type of sentences that the narcissistic pervert says to keep the other under his control. The person finds himself isolated.
So if you manage to always be there, when problems arise or when she opens her eyes, she will have someone to turn to, to ask for help.
The psychologist Johanna Rozenblum is also the author of several books including “Narcissist pervert: understanding the influence to free yourself from it” published by Alpen.