Testimony: “I lost my first baby at five and a half months of pregnancy”

I was on a honeymoon in the Maldives when my life changed. On May 6, 2003, I gave birth alone in the hotel bathroom, while my husband went to seek help. When my baby came out, I realized he was way too young, that I had to help him keep breathing, so I pressed down on his small chest with my two thumbs. He was so handsome, his features so fine. No blood, no vernix, he was clean, he was a perfect baby. But he didn’t open his eyes, he wasn’t breathing anymore.

At the local clinic, my blood pressure kept dropping. I was 24 and I know I chose not to die there. Even today, after having had three children, I still feel guilty for having made this choice. Not to have “gone” with my son Gabriel, to have “abandoned” him. It tortured me for years, because his death left me alive. For months after our repatriation, I tried to die of grief, but it was too late.

Still, I gradually slipped into depression. Soaring, my great confidence, my self-confidence and my vitality. I wanted to go back to work, because my survival instinct told me not to get pregnant immediately to avoid having a “drug child”. But finding a job when you’re in the middle of a depression is a lost bet. For my husband, it was nature that had eliminated a defective fetus. His way of protecting himself, perhaps? For me, it was quite different. The basis for our estrangement was laid and we divorced a few years later. Especially since this drama has put an end to our privacy. Indeed, the night before the miscarriage, we had made love. My husband always believed it was related. This froze our sexuality in guilt and we agreed to renew our relationships only in a project of reproduction.

So after two years of going around in circles in my distress, I agreed to try to have a child again. I got pregnant right away. Good news, my body still had the capacity to be fertilized. Was he going to be able to be a sufficiently strong nest? I couldn’t shake my head that Gabriel was dead because my body hadn’t been able to hold him. However, until then, I had succeeded on the first try: studies, permits, marriage … I can imagine now that I am not responsible for his death. Nonetheless, my other three pregnancies have been closer to a long illness than a blessed period of development, especially as the fateful end of five and a half months, fraught with anguish, draws near.

Psychotherapies and EMDR, a therapy based on eye movements that can treat repressed trauma, are a painful path. During my session, I had the feeling of holding Gabriel in my arms. It was very moving and trying, I cried while suffocating. I communicated with him, he thought I was very angry with him. I explained to him that no, that I was angry with myself for not having managed to keep him and, above all, that I was sad.

I was finally able to comfort him and hug him in my arms. He knew now that I loved him. Then I had to agree to let him go, to let go and let go of my grief, which I had held dear for so many years. Then, I felt wrung out as much as I was liberated, I was able to think and talk about Gabriel without crying. I finally succeeded in accepting to mourn, because, until then, to accept it meant for me to forget Gabriel.

Support groups from bereavement associations, books help. We must give ourselves the right and the time to be unhappy. It is also crucial to name the baby, that he has a first name, because he existed. I had four children. At home, a picture of me pregnant with Gabriel is placed next to those of my other children.

Without this drama, I certainly wouldn’t have been the same mother. I would not have been aware of the sacred aspect of a birth, that having a child is not due. The truth is that Gabriel forces me, even today, to live every moment thinking that I can die tomorrow. I would leave my children alone and find one. So I am always torn between fear and trust. We never get over it completely … This does not prevent me from being happy again, in love again and from living happily with my family.

* Author of “The instinct to live”. On sale on linstinctdevivre.com or on www.amazon.fr

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