Prevent Empty Nest Syndrome

Empty Nest Syndrome does not occur in every household whose children leave the house. But many women experience feelings of sadness and emptiness when the youngest goes to live independently.

Missing and emptiness
For about twenty years, most of their time revolved around caring for the children and the home. Suddenly that came to an end. No more chip crumbs on the couch, no more gym clothes in the wash. The time has flown by! Mothers feel shunned and struggle with questions such as: “What task do I still have as a mother and wife? Am I still useful?”

Empty Nest Syndrome can be compared to a grieving process, in which two feelings predominate. The first is the ‘physical’ lack of the children. You miss their obvious presence, their stories at the table and the claim. You can also miss the run-up that children generate, the conviviality of their circle of friends. Letting go itself hurts too. You are much less involved in their lives and have to learn to distance yourself.

A second feeling is aimlessness or uselessness. It can be hard to fill the seas of time you used to spend with the kids; from driving to sports to helping with homework. The house becomes less dirty and you have less laundry, so you simply spend less time on the household. If you have trouble filling that time meaningfully, you may become depressed.

For some couples, relationship problems arise when the children leave home. The children were the subject of conversation for years and now it turns out that there is actually little about what binds you. Or tensions arise: the woman finally has her hands free and wants to do fun things together, while the man still has to work hard.Reactive Depression
Psychology characterizes Empty Nest Syndrome as a ‘reactive depression’. The feelings of emptiness and sadness are a reaction to an event in life, namely the departure of the children.

This is in contrast to an autonomous depression, for which no immediate cause can be found and which is, as it were, ‘chemical’ in nature. In other stages of life, you may also experience similar feelings of grief if you ‘fall into a hole’ after completing a major project.

Psychologist Rita Kohnstamm thinks the concept of Empty Nest Syndrome was launched by feminists. Women who had lived one-sidedly as mothers were not prepared for the phase when all the children had left home. Then there was suddenly an emptiness and a sense of meaningless existence. So something had to be done preventively by giving women a job outside the home as well. So that they could continue to work in a meaningful and valued way after the children have left.

Risk groups
The feminists were right in that Empty Nest Syndrome mainly affects women who consider family care the most important task in their lives. If you have no or no inspiring job, the empty house is extra hard for you. Control freaks and women with a protective parenting style, who find it difficult to let go of their children, are also at greater risk.

In many cases, the departure of the children coincides with the transition. In addition to physical complaints, such as hot flashes, insomnia and listlessness, the silence of the house comes. In combination with the mood swings caused by the menopausal hormones, the children’s flight can then lead to serious depression. Women whose children move into rooms because of their studies usually suffer less from the syndrome. The transition to independence is gradual. Initially, the students still come home every weekend and they still have to do the washing. During the course of their studies, they come home less and less until they eventually find a job and move into a ‘real’ home or start living together.

Letting go of the great
Every parent will miss their children if they are no longer in the house every day. But the best way to avoid getting really depressed is to have a life outside of the family. A (part-time) job and hobbies enlarge your world.

By going on holiday without the children now and then, you get used to living with just the two of you. Also realize that the great letting go already starts in high school. The children are becoming more independent and need you less. Leaving the parental home is then only the next step.

It also helps to occasionally remember that the child is leaving the house. It is often very busy just before the departure of the children. Mothers help prepare the new home or spend a lot of time preparing for a wedding. Provide moments of peace and reflection in all the hectic. Consciously enjoy everyday things, such as family meals. Otherwise it will suddenly be that time and you will fall into the hole with an extra large blow.

Fill the nest again
Many women who have permanent problems with the empty nest simply fill the nest again. With a dog, babysitting children or a foster child, for example. Others take in students through exchange programs. If you don’t want to fill your house, but you do want to fill your time, look for a meaningful use. Activities where you can help others are more satisfying than private activities such as sports. For example, informal care or volunteer work in a retirement home. That way you can still take care of it. If you miss contact with young people, start coaching a youth team at a sports club.

Keep in touch with your child so that you can literally continue to sympathize. Make an appointment to have lunch together outdoors. Two adults having a bite to eat together is just as much fun as making a sandwich for your school-age child.

About a year after the door was slammed, most women have regained balance in their lives. They have a pleasant daytime activity, go on trips and spend time on hobbies. If the depressive feelings persist for more than a year, it is time to see a doctor. He or she may refer you to a psychologist or prescribe medication.

Reason for pride
The goal of parents is to make children independent. We teach them to tie their shoelaces, to fry an egg and not to throw red socks into the white laundry. We help them with schoolwork and pay for their driving lessons. And hopefully, all that effort will result in independent and productive young adults who can take care of themselves just fine.

Although you will always be a parent, your important role as an educator is over. You can be proud of that. Of course you are still involved with the children from the sidelines, but the house is again yours and your partner’s. Allow yourself to enjoy all those things that have been lost in the past twenty years. From sleeping in endlessly to watching your favorite TV programs undisturbed…