Anxiety, guilt, dark thoughts, doubts… Following the birth of her second child, Claire suffered from postpartum depression for more than four years. She tells how she experienced and overcame this maternal difficulty thanks to her hospitalization in a “mother-baby” unit.
- In France, 10 to 20% of mothers are affected by postpartum depression.
- Since July 1, an early postnatal interview must be carried out between the 4th and 8th week following childbirth, by a doctor or a midwife, to identify signs of postpartum depression.
After undertaking medically assisted procreation (PMA) procedures, Claire, an educator of young children, became pregnant for the second time in 2013. “This pregnancy was complicated. From the first months, I was on insulin, because I suffered from gestational diabetes. At 20 weeks of amenorrhea, I had a big fright. I thought that my daughter was dead, because during an examination, the gynecologist had not changed the batteries of the device”, remembers the mother, 47 years old today.
“This discomfort had appeared because of my traumatic relationship with my mother”
A few months later, the patient was delighted to learn that she was expecting a girl. “Weirdly, from then on, I started having nightmares. I was smiling all the time, even though I wasn’t well. It’s called ‘smiling depression'” , she indicates. La Parisienne spoke to a psychologist and the child psychiatrist of her son, Maxence, currently 11 years old. “I did not understand the extent of my discomfort. It was impossible for me to listen to my baby’s heart. I had the impression that I did not want this child, when I struggled to to have some”, says the forties, who was followed by the two specialists throughout her maternity.
The more the months pass, the more frequent and intense his anxiety attacks are. At work, Claire realizes that she is unable to take care of the little girls and that she constantly passes the baton to her colleagues, because she is afraid of hurting them or having inappropriate gestures. “During a consultation with my psychologist, I understood that this discomfort had appeared because of my traumatic relationship with my mother who was a pedophile and had inappropriate gestures towards me during my childhood”, says the educator.
“I thought I was a pedophile because I was terrified of touching my daughter”
Shortly after, his daughter decides to point the tip of his nose. Before the caesarean section, the Ile-de-France woman had a nervous breakdown and started screaming. “I was terrified, but once I saw Émilie, it was love at first sight. I was very happy!”, she recalls. During the stay at the maternity ward, Claire pretends to be fine, but in reality, she only managed to change her daughter’s diaper in the dark. “It was easier for me to take care of her and show her my affection at night. When we got home, it was my husband who took care of Emilie during the day, because he was on paternity leave”, specifies the patient.
When her companion returned to work, the mother of two young children was distraught. “I was undrinkable, confused, disturbed. I had already had a first baby, but this time, I couldn’t be a mother. When I was breastfeeding Emilie, I didn’t look at her for fear of him. hurt. But unfortunately, it caused her developmental delay and made me feel guilty. During her first months of life, I thought I was a pedophile, because I was terrified of touching her. .Sometimes I even felt like I was drowning her when I gave her the bath or thought I was going to throw myself out the window with my daughter to protect her from myself.” details the forties. However, at the crèche, she managed to take care of the children and felt like a “functional mom”, was “on autopilot”.
“By integrating the ‘mother-baby’ unit, I understood that I was not a monster”
Confused, Claire decides to turn herself in to her son’s child psychiatrist. The specialist judges that she must integrate a “mother-baby” unit with Emilie for six months. “At first, I felt like I was at Club Med. The hospitalization took place in a large apartment located at Porte d’Aubervilliers, which did not at all resemble a psychiatric establishment. In total, we was four moms. By joining this unit, I understood that I was not a monster, because I realized that I was not the only one to suffer from postpartum depression”, explains the Parisian.
As part of this support for maternal difficulties, the educator worked on her bond with her daughter and learned to take care of her. She also conducted family interviews, more specifically with her parents and her brother. “During this hospitalization, I understood that my childhood trauma was rekindled when I was pregnant and had my daughter. Clearly, it was more my relationship with my own mother that was at stake and not my link with Emilie”, says the patient.
“It took me 4 and a half years to overcome postpartum depression”
After this hospitalization, the mother was still followed by health professionals. “I thought I was never going to be able to cope with this maternal difficulty. I had promised that if I got through it, I was going to integrate theMama Blues association, which helped me get better. It took me 4 and a half years to overcome postpartum depression. I understood that I no longer suffered from it when I had to testify, talk about my experience and my emotions in front of an assembly. At that moment, I realized that I had managed to take a step back and put words to my pains that had been ignored for years.