Grief is the time after the loss of someone you know. ” This person may be deceased, but we can also speak of mourning for someone living, in the context of a divorce, or an Alzheimer’s patient for example “, details Valérie Sengler, psychoanalyst in a liberal cabinet in Saint-Mandé (94).” Either way, grieving is the process of realizing that “the two of us are over”. “
What are the stages of grief and how do they translate?
The mourning of someone who has been ill for a very long time (cancer, Alzheimer’s…), can initially lead to relief. The relief of no longer seeing the person in pain obviously. And also, even if it is sometimes difficult to recognize it without guilt, not to have to deal with it every day. ” After which, the real mourning begins, when the good memories resurface and only the happy times that we have lived together are remembered. “, explains Valérie Sengler. When death occurs suddenly, (accident, heart attack..), the first step is amazement. ” The individual is then unable to realize that the person is indeed dead. “
The following steps are generally common:
- Infinite sadness: “you are as if carried away by a wave, you are sinking”
- Then the comeback: “you begin to realize that there is still joy in your life”
- It can also be accompanied by anger: “The anger is directed at the person who abandoned you”.
In the case of a deceased loved one, loss of appetite, insomnia, a depression, the desire to join the deceased can accompany mourning. ” The discomfort we experience is so strong that it often has to come out “, explains the psychoanalyst. This can then be manifested by skin diseases, stomach aches or headaches for example.” A patient told me that he had had a heart attack following the death of his wife. “She broke my heart” are her words. “
Every grief is different
Everyone will live their mourning more or less well. ” If the person had a happy childhood, a job, friends, hobbies … they will be more resilient “. Valérie Sengler also explains that it is these people who will also more easily seek help to get better. In addition, the experience of mourning will vary depending on the emotional bond with the deceased.
When you lose a parent, it is considered “normal”, it is in the order of things and we have prepared for it. ” We must then mourn our childhood. It is also the first time that we say to ourselves that “the next one will be me “”, Informs the psychoanalyst. This loss therefore generally makes you realize that you are getting older. On the contrary, if you lose a child, it is something “abnormal”. The couple must then face it. ” Often they go their separate ways, because staying together does not mean being able to grieve. On the other hand, they can continue their story and have other children “. Valérie Sengler realizes that in all cases, there will be a before / after.
Who to turn to for help?
” From the moment you stop eating, or you have the impression of lacking oxygen, of not moving forward, of crying all the time, that the suffering is too great, and that, for more than 2 weeks, it important to consult a professional “. With a psychoanalyst, who can help to overcome a so-called” prolonged or complicated “bereavement, the goal will be to find anchoring points on which to cling. The patient will have a place where he can relate his experience with the person and he can be listened to. ” While the person is generally “haloed” after his death, psychoanalysis will also aim to continue to make the person perceive as he or she was, to dissect the relationship and identify what it brought us. “. Valérie Sengler explains that she adapts to each individual in order to succeed in making the pain come out and that there is a termination. This can, for example, be done through drawings, letters or even a small ceremony. .
It is also possible to opt for a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), performed by a psychologist or psychiatrist. The problem is first analyzed, its triggers understood and objectives to be achieved are developed. These therapies are based on learning new behaviors, and a more positive way of thinking. In this case, the patient is more active, he becomes a real actor in his “healing”.
Finally, associations like Dialogue & Solidarity, Living Mourning, Taming Absence or even the National Association Jonathan Pierres Vivantes, also have a listening number and organize discussion groups to help break the isolation.
What to do if you are close to someone in mourning?
” If you are facing someone in mourning, the best is to go to that person and say “I’m here, I can hear everything” “, advises the psychoanalyst. According to her, if this person explains to you that she is in a lot of pain, it is important not to tell him that it will be okay, but rather” I know, I do not judge you “. Then, the most important is to try to take her outfrom home, by going to the cinema or to a restaurant for example. If no improvement is observed, do not hesitate to make an appointment for this person, and accompany him. ” I like to say that we are a crystal with many facets. When you lose someone, one of these facets is destroyed, life will never be the same again, so you have to find the means to rebuild yourself “.
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