Bullying in adults

An estimated quarter of a million adult Dutch people are currently being bullied. A quarter of a million! “Ah,” you might say, “they sometimes tease me too.” But that’s not what this is about.

Systematically harassed
This is about that one colleague who is systematically harassed. Who is never invited to lunch. Who keeps seeing humiliating e-mails appear on his computer screen. And about whom everyone is always gossiping about. By close colleagues, but perhaps also by the manager.

Forms of bullying
Bullying comes in many forms. Just to give a short summary: laughing at, threatening, humiliating, extorting, excluding, sexually intimidating and taking things away. Of course, the list is far from complete.

In any case, the consequences can be serious. The victim often suffers from all kinds of psychological and physical complaints. He or she may become ill and eventually be forced to resign. Sometimes bullying leads to incapacity for work and in extreme cases even to suicide (attempts).

Why bully?
So why do people bully? You would think that adults are wiser than children and so leave this kind of behavior out of their minds. It often has to do with the atmosphere in the workplace.

If there is a lot of competition and cliques among themselves, you will more often see hostile, frustrated or jealous colleagues appearing. Especially if the boss ignores the mutual tensions. Sometimes bullies hope to conquer a better workplace by bullying someone else away. Or they are looking for a scapegoat for the high workload. Or they think that a certain colleague is not comfortable in the group.

One thing always remains the same: the perpetrator grabs the victim at his weak spot. And the victim does not dare to stand up for himself, because he is so insecure about it.

Perpetrators and bystanders
Whether they act out of insecurity or frustration, bullies have a hard time empathizing with others. They often don’t realize what their ‘jokes’ do to the other person.

But of course the bystanders are not exempt. They sometimes participate in bullying, in order to prevent themselves from becoming the target. Even more often they act as if they don’t notice anything, although that does cause a feeling of guilt. Sometimes they put the blame on the victim himself: “He provoked it.”

Shame
Most people are not likely to tell someone that they are being bullied. Not even to their partner or friends. They are ashamed of it or think it is their own fault. They fear that the bullying will only get worse or that people will react like, “It’s going to be okay.”

Recognizing signals
How do you know as a partner, girlfriend or boss that someone is being bullied and needs your help? There are a number of important signals. A victim of bullying rarely talks about his job and goes there reluctantly. His performance suffers from the problems. He is probably gloomy and withdrawn. He can suffer from all kinds of physical complaints, such as headaches, stomachaches and sleeping problems. You may also notice that items are occasionally lost or broken, without a logical explanation.

Tips against bullying
Bullying drives victims to despair. They feel lonely and scared. They live in a continuous nightmare. So intervention is important. Here are a few tips for bystanders, victims and those around them to deal with the situation:

• If you have been a victim of bullying yourself, tell someone you trust. This can be a friend or colleague, but also a personnel officer, confidential adviser or the company doctor. Bullying will not go away on its own!
• It’s nice to talk to someone who recognizes your problem because they’ve been through the same thing. Contact a peer group for this.
• Try to gain more self-confidence, then you can stand up for yourself better. You can take a social skills or self-defense course for that. Or spend more time on things you are good at, such as a hobby or sport.
• Writing down your experiences is a breath of fresh air. And who knows, you might need those notes later if you want to file an official complaint.
• Bystanders and managers: make the problem negotiable. Talk to the victim about it. Confront bullies with their behavior. Organize conversations that clarify what bullying does to people. Because the worst thing you can do is pretend the problem doesn’t exist…