Psychologist Johanna Rozenblum, author of the book Déconditionez-vous, gives the keys to understanding the origins of our traumas, and above all avoiding passing them on to our children.
Fears, hurtful words, stress, limiting thoughts, grief… we all have baggage. For some, these are so integrated into their behavioral patterns that they end up passing them on – sometimes reluctantly – to their children. Psychologist Johanna Rozenblum, author of the book Déconditionnez-vous (ed: Le courier du livre), reveals how to avoid the transgenerational transmission of trauma, fears and toxic behaviors.
Why Doctor: Why do traumas affect our lives and relationships so much, generally without us really realizing it?
Johanna Rozenblum : Traumas are ruptures in our history. There is often a before and an after, which we don’t really measure at first. In addition, these traumas can cause withdrawal, loss of confidence, anxiety-depressive symptoms and hypervigilance. All of this changes our connection to others and our daily behaviors.
“It is difficult to realize that we are reproducing behavior taught by our parents”
It often happens that people who grew up with parents with negative or toxic behavior say: “I won’t be like them.” But some ultimately follow similar patterns with their own children. How to explain this phenomenon ?
It is difficult to realize that we are reproducing a behavior taught by our parents or our education in general, without having worked on it. In order not to reproduce, it is certainly necessary to realize, to become aware of a pattern [Modèle spécifique représentant d’une façon schématique la structure d’un comportement individuel ou collectif, NDLR] or dysfunctional behavior. But we must also work to replace it with another more suitable one. It’s work that requires deep thought, otherwise reflex behavior – the one we’ve been conditioned for since childhood – will resurface again and again.
What are the traumas that we most often pass on to our children?
The traumas we have experienced and which we have not dealt with can be expressed in different ways to our children. They are likely to be transmitted and exist in the form of anger, sadness or in the repetition of self-sabotaging behavior, for example.
Lack of self-confidence, fear of the future, feelings of incapacity or imposture also often pass from one generation to the next. Numerous studies, particularly after the Second World War, have been able to highlight and confirm the transmission of trauma from parent to child.
“If the trauma remains muted, it will filter through our words, our fears or our behaviors”
What advice would you give to a parent who wants to prevent their trauma or negative thoughts from affecting their children?
To prevent a trauma from being transmitted and becoming transgenerational, it must be treated. If it remains muted, if it is repressed or even trivialized, it will filter through our words, our fears or our behavior. Working with a specialist psychologist can be very beneficial. Releasing one’s traumas is a path that can be difficult to follow, because working on the difficulties one has experienced necessarily requires addressing them and diving back into them. But it is essential.
The wounded inner child must no longer be in charge. It is essential to take your place as a responsible adult, an actor in your life who will be able to say out loud: I can break with my patterns, I can break with this construction of myself based on fear or certain beliefs…
How do we react if we see that our parent is letting their trauma affect our relationship? How to say stop or help him become aware of his behavior?
Helping a parent remains difficult. It is not up to the child to save their parent. Of course, it is always possible to draw attention to the problem, but treatment necessarily begins with personal awareness.
“Speak to try, perhaps, to get him out of the form of denial in which he finds himself”
And how do you approach the problem when you see a friend or family member letting their relationship with their children be affected by their trauma?
If you notice that a loved one is letting their trauma show through in their relationship with their child, I advise talking to try, perhaps, to get them out of the form of denial they are in regarding their trauma and their actions. Not being aware of reproduction does not allow him to get help.
However, you have to be prepared: he will probably not hear immediately.
But it is by agreeing to recognize our difficulties that we demonstrate strength, and that we can avoid the reproduction or transmission of trauma. Talking about yourself and your difficulties is not being fragile, it is being sensitive.