Getting angry doesn’t help
When we think of dementia, we mainly think of memory loss. But your loved one’s mood, personality and behavior can also change. For example, some people – often at an early stage – become very suspicious. How did that happen? And how do you deal with that as a carer?
“You stole my wallet!”
If your mother, father or other close relative has dementia, she can just tell you that. That while you do your very best to take good care of her.
Hide things
How do you react? Angry or offended? Understandable; after all, you are wrongly accused. That response just doesn’t help you. On the contrary, it will only make your mother or father more suspicious. She or he will keep a close eye on you, and will always want to know what you are doing. Maybe from now on, the one will even hide stuff from you. If he or she can’t find it afterwards, you will be blamed. You react even angrier, and so you understand each other less and less.
How does suspicion arise?
To break that cycle, it is useful to know why someone with dementia becomes suspicious. That’s how it is: people with dementia lose their grip on the world. They no longer recognize others. As a result, they don’t know who to trust. They also forget where they put their things. Your neighbor misses his wallet and then he sees you. That makes it logical in his or her head that you stole him. The distrust of dementia usually focuses on the people closest to it. That is simply because they are most often around when the demented stuff is missing.
Other causes
Suspicion can also arise or be made worse by another problem. Hearing or vision may be deteriorating. They can then hardly follow conversations and they no longer see what is happening. But also a blockage, infection, fever or pain can make someone much more suspicious in a short time. Do you suspect such a physical cause? Then contact the doctor.
Change your way of thinking
So getting angry is not a good response to suspicion. But how can you deal with it? By being aware of your way of thinking. How you think determines how you feel. If you can change your thoughts, your feelings will also change.
So ask yourself: why am I getting angry? The answer is probably: I try to do everything I can to help, and I still get blamed. I get a stink for thanks!
Logical story
Now try to change that thought. For example, think: he or she does not consciously distrust me. That’s because of the disease. That he or she accuses me is the way to make a logical story of all the things they no longer understand.
If you think like that, it’s easier not to get angry or frustrated. You can suddenly better imagine what it is like to lose everything and not recognize people anymore.
And further?
What else can you do to best deal with your loved one’s suspicions?
• Reassure him or her by calmly telling him or her what’s really going on. Are you not believed? Then leave it at that. In any case, don’t argue.
• Divert attention. Do something he or she enjoys, such as going for a walk, flipping through a magazine, listening to music, or looking at old photos.
• Physical contact can make you feel safe. But only touch a person with dementia if you are sure that he or she allows this.
• Find out where he or she likes to put or hide things. This way you know better where to look if something is lost.
• Are the same items often lost? Buy a second copy! That way you can conjure up that wallet, glasses or scarf in no time.
Finally, an important point: is there a small chance that your loved one with dementia is telling the truth? Then research it. People with dementia are vulnerable. Unfortunately, it happens too often that others take advantage of this.
The Trimbos Institute and Alzheimer Nederland have made an online video training about coping with changing behavior in dementia. Watch it via www.dementie.nl/online-training.
