Life as a couple is good for your health, especially for men. Scientific studies confirm this and the most recent (Harvard, 2013) has just shown that the chances of recovery, in the event of cancer, increased by 23% for these men and by 16% for women in couples. Almost more effective than chemo in some cases, researchers say.
The loving gaze of the spouse, attentive to drops in diet and the slightest symptoms, would thus be very protective. As long as our men want it! Because they are also numerous to consult less, to turn a deaf ear when we urge them to pay attention. It is disturbing, annoying, and ultimately disturbing for married life. How can we help our companions to take care of themselves while preserving our feelings?
The doctor has warned your partner, we repeat his recommendations at home at leisure, but our half does not heed them. Worse, he even seems to do on purpose to eat cakes under our noses when he is diabetic, or to leave a nasty cough, a nasty sore lying around … For a little, he would taunt us.
In fact, it is surely not that simple, even against a backdrop of tender war. “This kind of attitude more often reveals a strategy of flight than of provocation. Anguished by his health concerns, the person finds no other solution than to turn his back on the problem, ”explains Professor Michel Lejoyeux, psychiatrist.
In other words, the more we remind our spouse of the doctor’s advice, the more we wave the specter of the disease in front of him and the more he is likely to flee by behaving as if everything was going for the best. Becoming aware of this already allows you to swallow your anger, your aggressiveness… and to consider the possibility of approaching the problem differently.
No need to harass him
To persist is THE great temptation. You can’t just let him do anything with his health. In short, this pushes us to return to the charge, even if we hardly get results. We love her, we want her well … But be careful, we are not her mother, and by wanting to do too well, we no longer pose as lover.
Professor Lejoyeux thus warns that insisting too heavily is deeply damaging to the couple. “To impose oneself as the doctor of his spouse, by speaking to him only about his health, desensualizes the relationship and ultimately destroys the feeling of love,” he assures us. The link is then too maternal, health becomes an issue of power over the other, the body can no longer be eroticized. And if the couple is doing badly, how can they continue to play the protective role that scientists recognize in them? This deserves another strategy …
Ruser, is this the right solution?
Dr Claude Bronner, general practitioner and president of the Union Généraliste union, also regularly receives wives (more than worried husbands …), concerned about the health of their spouse and asking for discreet advice, or even simple information on his condition. The doctor’s systematic response: “Thank you madam, I listen to what you tell me, but I cannot tell you anything in return, medical confidentiality requires. It’s disappointing, but after all, you can’t heal yourself for someone, or treat them unwillingly.
However, Dr. Bronner often grabs the buck: “I suggest speaking to the spouse you are worried about, but I like being able to say that I have been called, that I have been put on the path. . And then it makes it possible to integrate everyone into an effective therapeutic strategy. It is sometimes essential in the event of prescription of drugs causing painful side effects and to be monitored ”, recognizes Dr. Bronner. It is therefore better to avoid secrecy and possibly offer to consult together, provided that your man is really in favor.
Yes, you have to take it with your feelings!
Getting her to the doctor, with or without you, is sometimes a hell of a victory. For Professor Lejoyeux, this is surely the essential part of the mission of the spouse concerned about the health of the other. “Because he poses as a simple mediator, without saying what to do, how and when, in place of the doctor. “And this has the great advantage of freeing the romantic relationship from health contingencies, of leaving feelings, desire, the place they deserve.” Spending more time together to wonder about what is going well, about what does good, rather than what is wrong, can only be beneficial to emotional balance… and indirectly to health, ”assures Michel Lejoyeux.
Yes, but if he persists in not consulting, if he forgets his appointments, his analyzes, his treatments even after having consulted the doctor once? Of course, it is disarming. We know that harassment does not work, so how do we go beyond our discreet role as mediator?
A good, serene, tender discussion is an opportunity to remember our love. To also appeal to the feelings he may have for us. “Do not hesitate to say in this case: ‘If you are not doing it for yourself, do it for me. I worry too much, I would like you to reassure me.” For some, it can work like a trigger, ”explains the psychiatrist.
Awareness can take time
But after all, is he really in danger? Does he tell about everything he does to heal himself or monitor his health? He may very well go for an X-ray, a blood test without telling you and show a semblance of detachment, or tell you several weeks after the results. A question of modesty, pride, or fear of fueling your obsession, perhaps.
“It also happens that patients are so dumbfounded at the news of an illness that they cannot react, start treatment or only hear about it. As if they were absent from themselves and from the situation they have to face, ”explains Professor Lejoyeux. It is good to wait a moment, to give the other person time to digest the news. It is necessary to count on its spring.
“And it is also necessary to trust the authority of the medical word which generally ends up carrying,” recalls Michel Lejoyeux. The awakening, the realization of the need for treatment comes sooner or later. And the patient can then fully enter into a therapeutic logic by feeling supported. Thanks to you !
To get the message across …
To do
– Give the example : if the medical recommendations concernlifestyle (diet, sleep, sport, etc.), you can include them naturally in family daily life, by adapting them as needed. It is more effective than a long speech.
– Stay in his place: it is the doctor who is responsible for diagnosis and treatment. But we can offer to make an appointment …
– Show your concern: ” Do it for me ! It is the cry of the heart to be launched as a last resort so that the spouse accepts to take charge of himself.
To avoid
– Don’t make it an obsession: the more the anxious person hears about their health problem, the more likely they are to be ostrich.
– Do not feel targeted: the inertia of the spouse is not a provocation. Anguish surely prevents him from facing the problem. Better to relax him, do him good, reassure him!
