“Yes, I was very lucky to get this promotion…” Luck, but also work, “I worked a lot to complete this file”, or circumstances, “I was there at the right time. moment, by chance “… In any case, success comes from an external element, never from the skills of the person. No doubt, we are facing someone who suffers, perhaps without knowing it, from the syndrome of the impostor.
“Brilliant, but modest, the impostor often feels like he’s usurping a position, not being in the right place, in the right role, and always above what he deserves” explains psychologist Laurie Hawkes. Patients who succeed, but who think they don’t deserve it, she has come across a lot of them in her career.
“Their great fear? The fear that we discover the pot of roses, and that they lose everything. As a result, they work even more, overinvest in the spheres concerned and the vicious circle is set up.. If successful, they say it’s because they’ve worked a lot so…”
Not to be confused with usurpers, for example fake doctors or others, who make people believe in their fake skills.
Origins in childhood
Parents who are too demanding, a child “never up to par”, high family expectations… This is the ideal breeding ground for the impostor syndrome. “The ideal would be to be in the ‘right’, specifies Laurie Hawkes. Accompany the child without expecting too much, give him evolutionary tasks according to his level and also do not over-congratulate him for trivial things. Otherwise, the day he will be confronted with other children, in class for example, he will not feel so “extraordinary” as that. And the sandcastle will collapse.
Rely on evidence
Once an adult, it is important to boost his confidence by relying for example on conditional evidence, based on real and serious facts, otherwise the person suffering from impostor syndrome will not believe it.
We congratulate you on the excellent file delivered? For example, ask your manager exactly what was right in the file (and what can still be improved). And stick to the facts!
Learn to simply say thank you
Hard, hard, to accept a simple compliment when you suffer from impostor syndrome. You have to learn to receive and just say thank you without trying (unconsciously) to devalue yourself. For example, if you are told “You look super beautiful today”, do not answer “It’s thanks to my dress” but “Thank you”.
Do you suffer from impostor syndrome?
- You often feel like you don’t belong Yes No
- For each mission, you work more than all your colleagues Yes / Nope
- In your job, you never feel like you’ve done enough Yes / Nope
- You find it difficult to accept compliments Yes / Nope
- You find that your colleagues are better than you Yes / Nope
- You are of a rather anxious temperament Yes / Nope
If you checked several “yes”, you may be affected by the impostor syndrome.
What can we do to get out of it?
It is essential to build self-confidence and be aware of your skills. “Self-hypnosis can be interesting for re-anchoring new ideas about oneself, provided you practice it every day, for at least three weeks”, explains Saverio Tomasella, doctor of psychology and psychoanalyst, author of Break free from the Cinderella complex (ed. Eyrolles).
You can also repeat mantras to yourself several times a day, such as “I am legitimate in my family”, “I am competent in my work”, always in the present tense and in the affirmative mode. We can associate it with memories or facts that attest to it to again inscribe this affirmation in itself.
Do we need to consult?
It is often in the context of therapy that the patient realizes that the brakes and fears are linked to this syndrome. “It is essential to consult when you do not feel legitimate or worthy of being loved in your relationship, because it affects the emotional brain and can lead to significant difficulties in love life”, concludes Saverio Tomasella.
Our expert :Laurie Hawkes, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, co-founder of the EAT (School of Transactional Analysis), author of 50 self-esteem exercises (ed. Eyrolles).
Read also :
- Unusual: perfectionism makes us sick
- Tips for overcoming beliefs and moving forward
- 5 tips for cultivating positive thinking
