Top Health: You lost your father at the age of 21. How did you overcome this ordeal?
Anne-Sophie Tricart, founder of Paradis Blanc: It happened in 2011, four years ago. My father died of lung cancer. He was ill for two years and then his cancer became widespread. He died ten days after his 60th birthday. The memory of his birthday, which I had organized, is one of the last memories I have with my father.
After his death, it was not obvious. I would have preferred to find a support, a shoulder with my friends and my family. But instead, I found myself dealing with the organization, the succession, the cremation. Things that pollute time and add to the emotional strain.
We talk about the five stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Everyone may experience this process out of order, but what is certain is that not everyone experiences it at the same pace. It can take months, a year, ten years, a lifetime. Everyone experiences it in their own way.
At the funeral I found myself in front of a crying church with my father’s coffin in front of me having to read a 20-line speech when I just wanted to run away. Looking back, I realize that this ordeal gave me a lot of strength.
Top Santé: In hindsight, what could have helped you during this grieving process that you missed?
Anne-Sophie Tricart: I suffered from not being able to express the lack I felt. There are many times when people who are grieving would like to say that they are missing the deceased. But very often, we do not dare to talk about it for fear of sounding like someone depressed when, on the contrary, we have to talk about it.
For my part, the death of my father happened in the middle of summer. I didn’t immediately want to tell my friends about it. I told myself that it is not in my habit to feel sorry for myself, that I should be strong. Despite everything, life went on, I thought.
I still kept a bitter taste because many people around me, friends who I would have thought were present to help me in this ordeal, appeared to the absent subscribers. Me and my mother found each other isolated. We preferred not to invite us to parties, thinking that we preferred to remain alone in our mourning.
I turned to friends who had lost a relative and even they turned their backs on me. I had no idea they were going to break contact. They later explained to me that they were afraid that my situation would make them go back and that it would not be positive for them.
Top Santé: Have you turned to bereavement aid associations?
Anne-Sophie Tricart: Yes, I saw associations. I had two individual interviews in the national association Vivre son mourning. They directed me towards support groups, on the one hand a group with children aged on average 8 years, on the other adults who had lost brothers and sisters or a parent. I didn’t recognize myself in either of them, and actually found myself a bit alone.
It was then that I met my partner who was already working on White Paradise. It was then that I began to invest myself in this online memorial service as well. That’s what allowed me to take a step back from it all.
Top Santé: What is the difference between creating a memory space for a loved one who died on Paradis Blanc and a community site like Facebook for example? What is the principle of Paradis Blanc?
Anne-Sophie Tricart: White Paradise is a site entirely dedicated to mourning, without advertising or promotion of anything. It is presented as a cocoon for families who can express themselves freely, exchange ideas with each other, connect with other people who have gone through the same ordeal. This service aims to ensure, for example, that within the same family languages are untied. What is not obvious, it has been four years since my father passed away and I am struggling to be able to talk about it with my mother.
It is not a place where one comes to be accountable or to judge. One can speak without complex and express oneself in public or in private. Everything that is put on the site is moderated to verify that everything is respectful. On White Paradise, we respect that everyone experiences their mourning at their own pace and as they wish, and in their own way.
Top Health: How does it work?
Anne-Sophie Tricart: We provide some information about ourselves and the deceased and we create a free memory space in which we can share memories, photos, images, videos, etc. For example, we can light a virtual candle, as a symbolic way of saying that we are thinking of the person. We share something positive in the end, we remember the good times we had with the deceased.
Today more than 220,000 memories have already been shared on Paradis Blanc.
Top Health: What advice would you give to people going through grief?
Anne-Sophie Tricart: It is not necessary not stay locked in your loneliness. There are bound to be people around us who can help us and who can listen to us. You don’t have to be alone with your thoughts and tell yourself that family or friends don’t get it. This is not the right solution, we must try to talk about it.
There are associations and specialists (doctors, psychologists) who can support this work of mourning and help to get out of loneliness.
Certain activities, such as gardening, sports or creative workshops, may allow you to express yourself, take stock and ask.
What has helped me to hold on is knowing that my father’s life is not limited to the months he spent in his hospital bed but to 60 years of a good life in which he has been happy. I don’t want all of this to be forgotten. Maintaining his memory and taking an interest in his roots and his family did me good.
>> To read also:Can Grief Depression Be Treated Without Medication?
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