Tips for relaxed holidays

The miracle of Christmas is the birth of Jesus, but it can also be called a miracle if you do not suffer from all kinds of ‘musts’ during this period. The pictures of Christmas tables full of glittering crystal, exuberantly twinkling Christmas trees and hysterical conviviality intrude on television, magazines and the Internet. Quite a tough ideal to meet, although many of us will be able to handle this just fine. Christmas is a celebration of being together with others and who will be bothered that that stew comes ready-made from the supermarket?

It’s different when perfectionism rears its head. We mistakenly think of people who have been looking all year long to fill their entire house and garden with flickering reindeer and clambering Santa Claus, including the toilet and hallway closet. Or home cooks who study for months to come up with the best wine for every course of their seven-course dinner and beam with delight when they come across a dusty bottle from an undiscovered chateau.

However, these are not perfectionists. There is a good chance that these people fully enjoy the tough challenges they have set themselves. If that doesn’t work, that’s a shame, but not really a problem. They strive for a perfect result and there is nothing wrong with that.

Feeling of failure

Perfectionism is really different. It’s mainly about a nagging feeling that everything you do – and are – isn’t good enough. If you suffer from perfectionism, you will only find yourself worthwhile when you meet your own impossibly high standards. And when others are clearly impressed by your skills. Actually, that never happens, so when you organize a Christmas party, you keep wondering if you did it right. Compliments from others disappear without a trace in a dark cave where your self-esteem should have been. The only way to get rid of that sense of failure is to do everything perfectly. An impossible task, especially since a perfectionist sets the bar unrealistically high. For example, you feel that you should buy the best gifts, put home-cooked culinary delights on the table and be the ideal host or hostess, who also looks completely tip-top. You know rationally that it’s okay if the potatoes burn or if the pudding won’t come out of the mould, but when something like that happens, you prefer to sink through the ground. This is happening to me again, I can’t do anything right either, you think.

Also stressful for others

You look at your guests in despair: are they having a good time? Maybe you should put on different music? Of course they like some of that old crockery, it pops into your head. Those others can also get on your nerves. You completely neglect yourself in front of family and friends, but they seem to have nothing left for you. Why are they late? Couldn’t they have put on something nicer? And why isn’t anyone offering to help? You just force your perfectionist demands on others. And that way you don’t just make your own holidays stressful and miserable, but also the other’s. On the outside, striving for perfection and perfectionism can sometimes look the same. Both busy trying to achieve a perfect ideal. But the perfectionist experiences no pleasure, only stress, and feels that he disappoints others when he underperforms. Some perfectionists don’t even bother reaching the ideal. If they can’t do it perfectly, they just don’t do anything anymore. They just skip the holidays or get Chinese. Then they cannot disappoint. Not surprisingly, perfectionism can also lead to worse ailments, such as depression, anxiety or eating disorders.

Keep it cozy with these tips

1. Recognize distorted thoughts

Maybe you think that these days everything has to be done or that if one little thing goes wrong, everything is ruined. These are so-called must-thoughts and all-or-nothing thoughts. They are not true, but they do feel that way. Keep track of all the thoughts running through your head. For example, write them down in a notebook. Then you can start to ask yourself: are these thoughts correct? Are you really not allowed to put stew on the menu? Is it really important for the family to be together all day? Can you do something about everything or do some things just happen? What would you recommend to a close friend in this situation?

2. Practice with small imperfections

Not doing something perfectly feels uncomfortable or maybe even unsafe, but you can learn to deal with these annoying feelings. The trick is to gradually train your discomfort muscle. This can already be done in the run-up to the holidays. Consciously walk the edges of it and see how that feels. Stick some stamps on the Christmas cards, leave a bauble hanging that might be too low and go to the store in sweatpants. Challenge yourself a little more and celebrate these small successes.

3. What is really important?

When you look back on your life later, what was really important? That the baubles were really all the same color champagne? Or do you cherish the beautiful moments you experienced with family and friends? Maybe deep down in your heart you don’t think it’s important to have beautiful napkin rings, but you have the idea that others expect this from you. How do you want this Christmas to be remembered? Then focus your attention on that goal and let go of other details.

4. Have fun!

Perfectionists would almost forget: you can just have fun. Follow your gut feeling and think about what you would most like to do this Christmas. Forget old traditions and ‘how it should be’, follow your gut feeling and take good care of yourself these days. Would you rather take a nice walk this year than sit on the couch? Do you want more people on the floor or less? Prefer to make your favorite pasta instead of spending all day with a turkey? You may think that all this is not possible (see also tip 1: Recognize distorted thoughts), but there is a good chance that there is much more freedom than you think. Christmas is a celebration, but you have to hang the garlands yourself.

This article previously appeared in Plus Magazine December 2021. Want to subscribe to the magazine? You can do that in an instant!