What is self-sabotage?
If you have an unfortunate obsession with “procrastinate”, to put up with things without flinching, to string together romantic failures, perhaps you are cultivating the “art” of self-sabotage.
This situation refers to this unconscious tendency to place oneself in uncomfortable situations or to make choices that go against the grain of what makes you feel good. Sometimes even these toxic functions have become so “natural” that they have become established in daily rituals.
The catch is that these sabotaging behaviors prevent you from taking your rightful place in everyday situations, leading to frustration and dissatisfaction. Worse, these weeds that have grown in your existence can end up blocking your access to happiness. An aspect that saboteurs often find it difficult to admit, points out life coach Bénédicte Ann, author of a book on the subject *.
According to her, this state of ill-being can paradoxically present a reassuring side: “we may prefer to be kept in this unpleasant but comforting area rather than taking the risk of experiencing the unknown. Unconsciously, we do not allow ourselves to be allowed. to be happy “.
Common examples of self-sabotage
In her book, the coach reviews some classic self-sabotage rituals. That these behaviors lead to erased attitudes, “submissive” or take the form of excess to attract attention (addictions, obsession, hyperactivity to fill a void, irritability), they generate a certain amount of suffering. Here are some typical examples:
-in the romantic relationship : you decide nothing and come to forget yourself; you are hyper jealous or always seek conflict with your partner; you are not happy as a couple but you do not make up your mind to leave your partner (fear of loneliness, desire to preserve the children, material comfort, etc.).
-at work, you can’t position yourself. You don’t know how to say no when you are asked for a favor (too often) such as finishing the work of a colleague who is always ill or agreeing to stay late at work to accommodate your boss.
Or conversely you are not appreciated and invited to meetings because you are considered as a “rebellious”, “” agitator “element who favors conflicting relationships.
-with family, for example, you are “programmed” to a certain place in the siblings and the family. You are the Ugly Duckling and you are always wrong. A positioning that makes you suffer.
The list is of course not exhaustive and there are as many self-sabotage rituals as there are individualities, each with their own life course.
Still, this sabotage is the tip of the iceberg, underlines Bénédicte Ann. This discomfort often takes its source in childhood and can be linked to events experienced in childhood or the family context in which the person grew up: “all the frustrating situations in which we do not find our place are always related to childhood, ”insists the coach. These events exert an influence that can have an impact on his adult life. “Many people who have experienced frustrations in childhood create a life problem that is constructed in relation to their family experience,” continues Bénédicte Ann.
How to get out of this bad habit?
1. Identify rituals of sabotage.
Understanding the origin of your adult suffering is the key to getting rid of this self-sabotage.
But this understanding first requires knowing how to identify one’s own sabotage behaviors. However, it often happens that people sabotage themselves without realizing it. How to achieve? “On a sheet of paper, take stock of the situations in your life where you do not consider yourself fulfilled by casting a wide net: love affairs, professional life, family relations, relationship with one’s body (relation to food, etc.), material life (is your accommodation right for you, etc) …
2. Position yourself in relation to your dissatisfaction
This assessment will help you take a step back and distinguish the areas of your life that you would like to improve. Ask yourself the right questions: how to be happier at work and assert yourself more; how to find a manwithout being emotionally dependent …
3. Decide to change and take action
The hard part remains: take action! The sabotage situations now identified, it is now a question of solving them one by one. There, no miracle recipe. Confronting the blockages and thought mechanisms followed for years is not done in a snap.
Even taking small steps initiates change. The key is to act benevolently and gain self-confidence. Deciding to change may be an assumed choice, but it can be as exciting as it is frightening. The mountain can seem difficult to climb, which is why some people will need to be accompanied (by a coach, a psychologist, a hypnotherapist, etc.) on this path to take back the reins of their life.
*Thanks to Bénédicte Ann, life coach and author of “Stop sabotaging yourself, you are exceptional”, Editions Eyrolles.
Read also: Self-esteem: 4 methods to love yourself
Psycho: 4 tips to overcome your fears
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